You Have Broken Up, But You Can't Break Free- Lessons in Letting Go
Maybe yours was a long and meaningful relationship, or maybe it was short but very connected. Whatever the case, your relationship ended and you're having difficulty letting go. You are preoccupied by the loss, think about your missing partner constantly, and may be even doing things that are a little “stalky”. You drive by their house, call her answering machine "just to hear her voice", and check the status on his Facebook page daily. Maybe you send them “bait” texts that say things like, “Just checking in to make sure you are okay”, or feign a problem just so you have a reason to call. You know in your mind that it's over but your heart is having difficulty putting it down.
There is a process I've identified in our brains that is difficult to make sense of. I call it <em>retroscopic idealism</em> (mental health professionals love putting labels on things). It is sort of a delusional hindsight. It is the process by which people have great difficulty recalling emotionally the fights, anger, or other negative aspects of a relationship that has ended. They remember they happened, but can't drum up the negative feelings they had at the bitter end. All they can feel is loss and the good times, the gentle moments, that special day during the holidays or that really awesome vacation which bonded them together with their ex. They have these little videos in their head of these special times. The videos are not the problem; it's the emotions that go with them. Many times this process occurs in the wee small hours of the morning when they are alone and their brains turn inward. Sometimes it happens all day long.
I attribute the cycle of breaking up and making up that many couples experience to this concept of retroscopic idealism. They break up, get some time apart, idealize what the relationship was (a kind of delusional state), and try to get back together. Sometimes it works for a couple of hours, sometimes for a couple of days, and sometimes it's longer. But reality usually kicks back in once they reunite and they recall the anger and resentment they felt towards each other in a short period of time They remember why they broke up in the first place and they split again. It can go through several cycles - even over several years. It just goes to show that hindsight isn’t always 20/20.
Breakups are difficult Ending a relationship can be painful. It is also impossible to say how long the grieving process might take after such a loss. However, if you are feeling remorseful and hurting because you broke up, check yourself. Have you idealized your relationship? When you think back on your time together, are you able to identify how difficult it was? There may have been a lot of fighting, a lot of non-communication, and sometimes verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse. There may have been times when you felt totally alone and may have even asked yourself why you were trying to keep it together, or what you were holding on to. Yet here you are, stuck in this grieving.
As you go through your day and hear a song, smell a smell, or even see someone that looks like your ex you get upset. You become overwhelmed emotionally and start to cry. I have had clients tell me that they were sitting at their desk at work and just started to cry with no warning. I have others say that even during a very positive moment, where they are laughing really hard, a switch flips in their head and they began to cry - sometimes uncontrollably. Clearly sadness and emotional turmoil can be part of the breaking up process. But, if you have idealized the relationship, here's what to do:
First of all don't freak out. Cry all you need to. This is not about holding it in, it’s about letting it out. This is about trying to feel better.
Next, set a day in the near future to gather together the bits and pieces of memorabilia, pictures, gifts, articles of clothing, or other things that remind you of the relationship. Collect any triggers or reminders. If possible, put them all in a box or a closet; something you can close. You don't have to get rid of them, just put them someplace where they're not triggering you every day.
Next, allow yourself a “pity party”. You decide the frequency. Set time aside to go somewhere (probably somewhere quiet and private) to feel your feelings, express your emotions by crying or in other appropriate ways, and let it all out. If you need to scream, cuss, or talk to God, allowing the time and space in your life to do so is important.
Perhaps the way to view this is sort of like a volcano. As pressure builds you need relief. If you don't proactively let off steam, it will push itself to the surface anyway and maybe come out at times when you least expect it.
After you have expressed yourself emotionally, get out a piece of paper or a legal pad. Take the time to meditate and think about the difficult times. Write down specific dates and incidents that impacted you relationship in a negative way. Think of the names that he or she called you, the bitterness and resentment you possibly felt, and the reasons behind it. Think of the changes that were never forthcoming, promises broken, and how you experienced emotional distance. If you need help, consider pulling out your calendar and looking at dates or asking your friends who might remember when you called them in the middle of the night or saw you have a really crappy golf game because you were thinking about what was going on in your relationship. Allow yourself at least a half an hour to do this, longer if possible. Then put it down and keep it <em><strong>private</strong></em>! “Rinse and repeat.” In other words, when you need to spend time thinking about how hurt you are, take additional time to also remind yourself how difficult it was. Getting your thoughts written down for a reference can be helpful. Sometimes when we are lost or sad, being able to read what we experienced is helpful.
Here are some other tips:
Stop the stalky behavior. Not only because it could be illegal, but also because it hurts you. (Every state now has anti-stalking laws). Driving by her house or checking his Facebook page doesn't help you. It only pulls the scab off the wound again. Ask your friends not to talk about your ex in front of you (and don't ask). If you are still having contact with him or her, cut it out! That means no conversations, texting, drunk calling, or e-mails. If you want to “just be friends” longer-term, give it a year and try again. Let go of your connection to their (exclusive) friends, their family, and their coworkers. If you have friends in common or hang out in common places, you'll need to avoid those for a while. Think of other places, things, or people to associate with that do not remind you of your estranged lover or relationship. Do your best to stay away from them. You need to get your feet back on the ground, your brains unscrambled, and be at the point where you are breathing regularly again. Doing the stalky things listed in this paragraph simply trigger all of your grieving emotions again. Stopping contact with someone that you have been so connected to is really hard! In situations like this, time away is the best healer.
If you continue to have difficulties letting go, have problems with the stalky stuff, or continue to grieve/be sad longer than you think you should consider talking with a therapist. Breaking up a relationship is one of the hardest things we do. There have been songs, books and movies written about it. It’s time to let go and move on. Find some indigenous support and move on.
There is a process I've identified in our brains that is difficult to make sense of. I call it <em>retroscopic idealism</em> (mental health professionals love putting labels on things). It is sort of a delusional hindsight. It is the process by which people have great difficulty recalling emotionally the fights, anger, or other negative aspects of a relationship that has ended. They remember they happened, but can't drum up the negative feelings they had at the bitter end. All they can feel is loss and the good times, the gentle moments, that special day during the holidays or that really awesome vacation which bonded them together with their ex. They have these little videos in their head of these special times. The videos are not the problem; it's the emotions that go with them. Many times this process occurs in the wee small hours of the morning when they are alone and their brains turn inward. Sometimes it happens all day long.
I attribute the cycle of breaking up and making up that many couples experience to this concept of retroscopic idealism. They break up, get some time apart, idealize what the relationship was (a kind of delusional state), and try to get back together. Sometimes it works for a couple of hours, sometimes for a couple of days, and sometimes it's longer. But reality usually kicks back in once they reunite and they recall the anger and resentment they felt towards each other in a short period of time They remember why they broke up in the first place and they split again. It can go through several cycles - even over several years. It just goes to show that hindsight isn’t always 20/20.
Breakups are difficult Ending a relationship can be painful. It is also impossible to say how long the grieving process might take after such a loss. However, if you are feeling remorseful and hurting because you broke up, check yourself. Have you idealized your relationship? When you think back on your time together, are you able to identify how difficult it was? There may have been a lot of fighting, a lot of non-communication, and sometimes verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse. There may have been times when you felt totally alone and may have even asked yourself why you were trying to keep it together, or what you were holding on to. Yet here you are, stuck in this grieving.
As you go through your day and hear a song, smell a smell, or even see someone that looks like your ex you get upset. You become overwhelmed emotionally and start to cry. I have had clients tell me that they were sitting at their desk at work and just started to cry with no warning. I have others say that even during a very positive moment, where they are laughing really hard, a switch flips in their head and they began to cry - sometimes uncontrollably. Clearly sadness and emotional turmoil can be part of the breaking up process. But, if you have idealized the relationship, here's what to do:
First of all don't freak out. Cry all you need to. This is not about holding it in, it’s about letting it out. This is about trying to feel better.
Next, set a day in the near future to gather together the bits and pieces of memorabilia, pictures, gifts, articles of clothing, or other things that remind you of the relationship. Collect any triggers or reminders. If possible, put them all in a box or a closet; something you can close. You don't have to get rid of them, just put them someplace where they're not triggering you every day.
Next, allow yourself a “pity party”. You decide the frequency. Set time aside to go somewhere (probably somewhere quiet and private) to feel your feelings, express your emotions by crying or in other appropriate ways, and let it all out. If you need to scream, cuss, or talk to God, allowing the time and space in your life to do so is important.
Perhaps the way to view this is sort of like a volcano. As pressure builds you need relief. If you don't proactively let off steam, it will push itself to the surface anyway and maybe come out at times when you least expect it.
After you have expressed yourself emotionally, get out a piece of paper or a legal pad. Take the time to meditate and think about the difficult times. Write down specific dates and incidents that impacted you relationship in a negative way. Think of the names that he or she called you, the bitterness and resentment you possibly felt, and the reasons behind it. Think of the changes that were never forthcoming, promises broken, and how you experienced emotional distance. If you need help, consider pulling out your calendar and looking at dates or asking your friends who might remember when you called them in the middle of the night or saw you have a really crappy golf game because you were thinking about what was going on in your relationship. Allow yourself at least a half an hour to do this, longer if possible. Then put it down and keep it <em><strong>private</strong></em>! “Rinse and repeat.” In other words, when you need to spend time thinking about how hurt you are, take additional time to also remind yourself how difficult it was. Getting your thoughts written down for a reference can be helpful. Sometimes when we are lost or sad, being able to read what we experienced is helpful.
Here are some other tips:
Stop the stalky behavior. Not only because it could be illegal, but also because it hurts you. (Every state now has anti-stalking laws). Driving by her house or checking his Facebook page doesn't help you. It only pulls the scab off the wound again. Ask your friends not to talk about your ex in front of you (and don't ask). If you are still having contact with him or her, cut it out! That means no conversations, texting, drunk calling, or e-mails. If you want to “just be friends” longer-term, give it a year and try again. Let go of your connection to their (exclusive) friends, their family, and their coworkers. If you have friends in common or hang out in common places, you'll need to avoid those for a while. Think of other places, things, or people to associate with that do not remind you of your estranged lover or relationship. Do your best to stay away from them. You need to get your feet back on the ground, your brains unscrambled, and be at the point where you are breathing regularly again. Doing the stalky things listed in this paragraph simply trigger all of your grieving emotions again. Stopping contact with someone that you have been so connected to is really hard! In situations like this, time away is the best healer.
If you continue to have difficulties letting go, have problems with the stalky stuff, or continue to grieve/be sad longer than you think you should consider talking with a therapist. Breaking up a relationship is one of the hardest things we do. There have been songs, books and movies written about it. It’s time to let go and move on. Find some indigenous support and move on.
