So You're Thinking about Having an Affair...
Many of these Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink have mentioned extramarital or extra-relational affairs. The topic comes up so much because it is so prevalent in our culture and my practice these days. Last weeks NSN dealt with "Friends with Benefits" relationships. Both affairs and FWB's-have similar dynamics. They are usually based in fantasy and unfulfilled promises, and wind up with one person being very disappointed with the outcome. The statistics are all over the place as far as who participates in affairs. Because of the secrecy sometimes the numbers are hard to come by. Generally, 30-60% of marriages are affected by extramarital activity. From what I’ve read traditionally more men than women step out of their marriage. But that is changing because more women are out of the house for longer, are involved in positions of power, and are possibly more vulnerable at an emotional level due to chaotic marriages and workplace dynamics. Also, remember that married people have affairs with married people as well as with singles. It's very hard to track how many single people participate in extramarital affairs, because there is no legal process (like divorce) that tracks relationship breakups.
I have counseled all three of the lives affected by an affair in my practice. I have seen the cheater, the cheated on, and the cheated with. More often it is either a couple who is trying to reconcile their marriage after infidelity, or individuals who are attempting to recover after having an affair with a married person who promised that they would leave their marriage but never did. The reasons people give for participating in affairs also vary. But they can generally be categorized into two separate areas: marital dissatisfaction, or emotional confusion/psychological imbalance.
Many women have affairs with men in power. Dr. Jan Halper wrote a book Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men. She described statistically and in detail the characteristics analyzed. After interview 4,126 men, she found that 88% of the men who are successful in business also participate in at least one affair over their lifetime. However, the more interesting statistic is that only 3% of them ever leave their wife. Similarly, in her book Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Dr. Lana Staheli finds that less than 10% of people who participate in affairs divorce their spouses and marry their lovers. Not so curiously, 70% of marriages to lovers end in divorce.
When you think about all of this it makes sense. If one of the people participating in an affair has any sense of insecurity, dependency, or is affiliating with a more powerful person-such as in Halper’s book-to create a false sense of self, it is a setup for disaster. Mix this with high (but irrational) hopes that their lover will leave the marriage and be with them, and the combination makes for the perfect self delusional process. Insecurity and dependency take over. All they need is the promise of forever even when the know during brief moments of clarity that it will never happen.
So, if you are thinking about having an extramarital affair, or even more importantly if you are participating in an affair, take the statistics into consideration. He's not leaving his wife! If he does leave her and marry you, statistically you will fail. Here's what I mean. If you get involved with a person who is already married something is going on with you. You have a proclivity towards chaos or are motivated by loneliness. And, you are getting involved with someone who is exhibiting untrustworthiness simply by having an affair with you. But, you are needy, or lonely, or hungry, or self-delusional (we are all are at some level). He or she says the right things to you, cares about you, and tells you how difficult their marriage is. They tell you how their spouse is unresponsive, hates sex, doesn't spend enough time with them, is only a roommate, or is a control freak. You tell yourself you can fix all that! You will be everything that they ever wanted! For you, you finally have someone who gets you, listens to you, truly cares about you, is an interesting communicator, and has many of the traits your spouse is missing. Unfortunately most of that is fantasy. In fantastic thinking, none ever smells funny.
But watch it. Try bringing up when he or she is going to leave their spouse. They may give you a timeframe but it will not be immediate. They will probably give you a rational excuse like they have to talk to a lawyer, it's not a good time because of the kids right now, their job is on fire and they can't risk public knowledge, or their spouse will take them to the cleaners financially. But don't worry, he/she will leave eventually.
Let's say that they do leave. You finally got what you want. The two of you are together. But after some time he or she is spending more time out of town on business trips, spending more time at the office, or is generally inattentive to you. This happens in most relationships. The initial mojo wears off. Do you see what happens next? You begin to suspect that they are doing what they did with you, thinking once a cheater always a cheater. Right? Even if their activities are completely legitimate, because of what the two of you have experienced, there will be substantial trust issues in the relationship. It is built on a foundation of mistrust. And, as you have seen in my NSN on The Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship, trust is absolutely necessary to have a long lasting and meaningful relationship. You may eventually mistrust your partner and/or they you based on what the two of you have experienced. The relationship begins to fall apart because the cornerstone of trust and commitment are cracked.
Again, my writing is not to be judgmental. I'm not trying to talk you out of anything. If you are participating in or are going to get involved in an affair go ahead. But, do so with your eyes wide open. Check your values. There is a price to pay, be it your own conscience, the craziness and chaos of an extramarital affair brings, or the eventual disappointment because what looked like a perfect relationship ends in disaster. Being discovered also brings the court of public opinion, very confused children and family members, and a moral, legal, and personal cost many fail to take into consideration at the start.
If my thoughts sound too preconceived, do your own research. Check the statistics or ask your friends who have done the same thing. I see it over and over and over again, and few people are paying attention until it's too late. They get lost in lust or loneliness and throw their values aside. They say to themselves, "Not us. We're different". Check yourself! Get some therapy and dig around a little. What's this all about for you? The immediate gratification and excitement of an affair have very high costs. Consider the collateral damage you may do to yourself and your family or the family of the person you are involved with or considering getting involved with. If the relationship is worth having, it will wait. Step back and understand the big picture.
1 Halper, Jan (1990) Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men. Grand Central Publishing
2 Staheli, Dr. Lana (1998) Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing, and Surviving an Affair. HarperCollins Publishers
I have counseled all three of the lives affected by an affair in my practice. I have seen the cheater, the cheated on, and the cheated with. More often it is either a couple who is trying to reconcile their marriage after infidelity, or individuals who are attempting to recover after having an affair with a married person who promised that they would leave their marriage but never did. The reasons people give for participating in affairs also vary. But they can generally be categorized into two separate areas: marital dissatisfaction, or emotional confusion/psychological imbalance.
Many women have affairs with men in power. Dr. Jan Halper wrote a book Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men. She described statistically and in detail the characteristics analyzed. After interview 4,126 men, she found that 88% of the men who are successful in business also participate in at least one affair over their lifetime. However, the more interesting statistic is that only 3% of them ever leave their wife. Similarly, in her book Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Dr. Lana Staheli finds that less than 10% of people who participate in affairs divorce their spouses and marry their lovers. Not so curiously, 70% of marriages to lovers end in divorce.
When you think about all of this it makes sense. If one of the people participating in an affair has any sense of insecurity, dependency, or is affiliating with a more powerful person-such as in Halper’s book-to create a false sense of self, it is a setup for disaster. Mix this with high (but irrational) hopes that their lover will leave the marriage and be with them, and the combination makes for the perfect self delusional process. Insecurity and dependency take over. All they need is the promise of forever even when the know during brief moments of clarity that it will never happen.
So, if you are thinking about having an extramarital affair, or even more importantly if you are participating in an affair, take the statistics into consideration. He's not leaving his wife! If he does leave her and marry you, statistically you will fail. Here's what I mean. If you get involved with a person who is already married something is going on with you. You have a proclivity towards chaos or are motivated by loneliness. And, you are getting involved with someone who is exhibiting untrustworthiness simply by having an affair with you. But, you are needy, or lonely, or hungry, or self-delusional (we are all are at some level). He or she says the right things to you, cares about you, and tells you how difficult their marriage is. They tell you how their spouse is unresponsive, hates sex, doesn't spend enough time with them, is only a roommate, or is a control freak. You tell yourself you can fix all that! You will be everything that they ever wanted! For you, you finally have someone who gets you, listens to you, truly cares about you, is an interesting communicator, and has many of the traits your spouse is missing. Unfortunately most of that is fantasy. In fantastic thinking, none ever smells funny.
But watch it. Try bringing up when he or she is going to leave their spouse. They may give you a timeframe but it will not be immediate. They will probably give you a rational excuse like they have to talk to a lawyer, it's not a good time because of the kids right now, their job is on fire and they can't risk public knowledge, or their spouse will take them to the cleaners financially. But don't worry, he/she will leave eventually.
Let's say that they do leave. You finally got what you want. The two of you are together. But after some time he or she is spending more time out of town on business trips, spending more time at the office, or is generally inattentive to you. This happens in most relationships. The initial mojo wears off. Do you see what happens next? You begin to suspect that they are doing what they did with you, thinking once a cheater always a cheater. Right? Even if their activities are completely legitimate, because of what the two of you have experienced, there will be substantial trust issues in the relationship. It is built on a foundation of mistrust. And, as you have seen in my NSN on The Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship, trust is absolutely necessary to have a long lasting and meaningful relationship. You may eventually mistrust your partner and/or they you based on what the two of you have experienced. The relationship begins to fall apart because the cornerstone of trust and commitment are cracked.
Again, my writing is not to be judgmental. I'm not trying to talk you out of anything. If you are participating in or are going to get involved in an affair go ahead. But, do so with your eyes wide open. Check your values. There is a price to pay, be it your own conscience, the craziness and chaos of an extramarital affair brings, or the eventual disappointment because what looked like a perfect relationship ends in disaster. Being discovered also brings the court of public opinion, very confused children and family members, and a moral, legal, and personal cost many fail to take into consideration at the start.
If my thoughts sound too preconceived, do your own research. Check the statistics or ask your friends who have done the same thing. I see it over and over and over again, and few people are paying attention until it's too late. They get lost in lust or loneliness and throw their values aside. They say to themselves, "Not us. We're different". Check yourself! Get some therapy and dig around a little. What's this all about for you? The immediate gratification and excitement of an affair have very high costs. Consider the collateral damage you may do to yourself and your family or the family of the person you are involved with or considering getting involved with. If the relationship is worth having, it will wait. Step back and understand the big picture.
1 Halper, Jan (1990) Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men. Grand Central Publishing
2 Staheli, Dr. Lana (1998) Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing, and Surviving an Affair. HarperCollins Publishers
