Rules for Being Human
Why do you make yourself so crazy?
In several Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink I have referred to regaining your global view. What I mean by that is some days we get so mixed up in the inconsequential stuff that we lose our philosophical approach to life. We make ourselves crazy over what's for dinner, which is right or wrong, and even with more serious stuff like losing a job. Perception is reality. Sometimes we need to back up and change our perspective.
Some of the following ideas were borrowed from literature that I got while working in an inpatient unit and alcohol and drug recovery. But it sure seems to fit life in general. It's called The Rules for Being Human. These are some of the ones that I think are more relevant for people who are stressing over life right now.
1) "There" is no better than "here". It seems that many of us are always looking to the future or outside of ourselves for things to get better. Some of us think that when we finally get the right job (or any job), the right mate, a new car, the newest technology, or a better degree-things will get better. It's the whole idea behind the thought of, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". We tell ourselves, "If I could just get there from here things would be better." I know your life may feel in turmoil right now. You may be unsettled about things. But if you invest all of your energy in getting someplace else instead of dealing with what's going on right now you only perpetuate the problem. Once you get "there" from "here", that "there" becomes "here" and the cycle repeats itself. Stop for a second and catch your breath. Take a moment to look back over the difficult parts of your life and understand that you got through them. Life always works out. Possibly not in the way that you thought it would, but life works out. Let your mind be at peace with that knowledge. Focus on solving today's problems. Have you eaten? Have you hugged your kid? Are you wearing sunscreen? Did you take a moment to be thankful for what you have?
2) What you make of your life is up to you. Often I have clients who are really locked up on what has happened to them. Some of them have been abused, some of them have been raped, some of them have been divorced, and some of them have debilitating illnesses. I certainly don't mean to minimize the impact of these circumstances on one's life. The problem with many of them is that they are focused on what has happened instead of dealing with today. Trauma, injury, and chronic illness don't go away. Now what? If they are going to feel better, the answer is to stop responding (to the extent possible) to the negative stuff in your history and put one foot in front of the other in spite of it. Move forward anyway. If you were abused you probably need to get some help learning to trust others. But think of how different your life will be if you're able to do so. If you were raped or assaulted in any way, finding people who are supportive, who understand, and can possibly identify with you may be helpful. The people around you probably don't get it. They may even be telling you to get over it. If you have a chronic illness, do the most you can medically. And here's the tough part... become as functional as you can in spite of it. That may mean putting up with pain on a day-to-day basis. But ask yourself how you will feel at the end of the week when you fought through the pain but did something purposeful anyway. This goes with another Rule for Being Human: You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
3) A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. I really appreciate this piece of wisdom. Many people categorize the events in their lives as failures or successes, being right or wrong, or being good or bad. What this idea is meant to imply is that you are in school for life. There are lessons that you are supposed to learn while you are on this planet. If you don't learn them the first time around, that's okay! The planet does not get angry. It simply gives you the lesson again. I cannot tell you how often I see this with the people that I counsel. For example, they may be in one relationship after another never picking up on the patterns that cause them distress. Perhaps the lesson that is supposed to learned is to be more responsible in relationships. Maybe it's to cool it for a while and learned some autonomy and independence. Whatever the lesson, if they don't get it they will continue to repeat the pattern until they hurt so badly that they change. Another life lesson might be to stop worrying so much. This is a difficult cycle to break. Clients get to the point where they even worry about worrying. What eventually happens is they find themselves alone because people can't tolerate their negativity, or they rarely leave their house because they consistently fear something is going to happen. When they finally get "it" they seek help decreasing their anxiety. They learn to accept life on life's terms instead of attempting to control things they cannot possibly control. There are hundreds of examples, no-thousands of examples of lessons that we are to learn on a day-to-day basis. Stop and ask yourself about patterns, cycles of behavior, and things that you have seen repetitively in your life. What lesson is being presented to you? What are you supposed to learn from that situation? If you don't learn it this time, it will be presented to you again. Your formal education may be completed, but life education goes on for... well... life! Pay attention in class.
4) Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. There are several applications for this rule, but I think the first one is about being judgmental. If I am all about being on time, I have great difficulty appreciating people who are always late. If I have a high priority for staying healthy, I may be very judgmental about people who are overweight or unfit. But this rule goes even deeper. I recently got a call from a very panicked mother asking me to see her 18-year-old son because of his drug (marijuana) habit. He had been arrested twice and lost his car because it was involved in a drug deal. He also appears to be underperforming in life as he seems to be very bright yet works a part-time job in retail. He lives with his parents and continues to smoke pot and underperform. His mother is very angry with him for his continuous use of pot. However, as it turns out, she has been an active alcoholic for as long as he can remember. Every day after work she comes home and drinks to the point of slurring her words. He also reports that his father drinks a lot as well. His older sister drinks and smokes pot. He tells me that if he says anything to his mother about her drinking she "freaks out". The mother hates the fact that her son is following her addictive pattern. She wants me to "fix" him but does not want to address her own addiction problem. She probably doesn't recognize it, but she sees him as a reflection of her and hates it. If the system is broken, fixing one part of it doesn't really help. As long as he lives there and the mother continues to model this behavior is going to be very difficult to convince this late adolescent to be more responsible for his addiction. The mother sees herself in her son and hates it. If she could ever get her brain around this rule she might actually begin to recognize her responsibility to herself and to her family.
Another example of this is people who have been judged all of their lives are very judgmental. They often hate the fact that they were judged by their parents or others and yet they can't stop themselves from doing the same thing. It becomes a form of external on us self-hate and they usually compensate by eating, spending, drinking, or some other compulsive habit.
Stop and ask yourself about the challenges in your life. What is it you are missing? Have you seen this before? The circumstances may be different but the dynamics may look the same. Stop and take into account the things that you need to change. Are you waiting until you get "there", or working on "here". Have you embraced the idea of your imperfect life and attempt to make the best of it? What is it that you see in others that angers or disgusts you. It may be time to look in the mirror.
In several Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink I have referred to regaining your global view. What I mean by that is some days we get so mixed up in the inconsequential stuff that we lose our philosophical approach to life. We make ourselves crazy over what's for dinner, which is right or wrong, and even with more serious stuff like losing a job. Perception is reality. Sometimes we need to back up and change our perspective.
Some of the following ideas were borrowed from literature that I got while working in an inpatient unit and alcohol and drug recovery. But it sure seems to fit life in general. It's called The Rules for Being Human. These are some of the ones that I think are more relevant for people who are stressing over life right now.
1) "There" is no better than "here". It seems that many of us are always looking to the future or outside of ourselves for things to get better. Some of us think that when we finally get the right job (or any job), the right mate, a new car, the newest technology, or a better degree-things will get better. It's the whole idea behind the thought of, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". We tell ourselves, "If I could just get there from here things would be better." I know your life may feel in turmoil right now. You may be unsettled about things. But if you invest all of your energy in getting someplace else instead of dealing with what's going on right now you only perpetuate the problem. Once you get "there" from "here", that "there" becomes "here" and the cycle repeats itself. Stop for a second and catch your breath. Take a moment to look back over the difficult parts of your life and understand that you got through them. Life always works out. Possibly not in the way that you thought it would, but life works out. Let your mind be at peace with that knowledge. Focus on solving today's problems. Have you eaten? Have you hugged your kid? Are you wearing sunscreen? Did you take a moment to be thankful for what you have?
2) What you make of your life is up to you. Often I have clients who are really locked up on what has happened to them. Some of them have been abused, some of them have been raped, some of them have been divorced, and some of them have debilitating illnesses. I certainly don't mean to minimize the impact of these circumstances on one's life. The problem with many of them is that they are focused on what has happened instead of dealing with today. Trauma, injury, and chronic illness don't go away. Now what? If they are going to feel better, the answer is to stop responding (to the extent possible) to the negative stuff in your history and put one foot in front of the other in spite of it. Move forward anyway. If you were abused you probably need to get some help learning to trust others. But think of how different your life will be if you're able to do so. If you were raped or assaulted in any way, finding people who are supportive, who understand, and can possibly identify with you may be helpful. The people around you probably don't get it. They may even be telling you to get over it. If you have a chronic illness, do the most you can medically. And here's the tough part... become as functional as you can in spite of it. That may mean putting up with pain on a day-to-day basis. But ask yourself how you will feel at the end of the week when you fought through the pain but did something purposeful anyway. This goes with another Rule for Being Human: You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
3) A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. I really appreciate this piece of wisdom. Many people categorize the events in their lives as failures or successes, being right or wrong, or being good or bad. What this idea is meant to imply is that you are in school for life. There are lessons that you are supposed to learn while you are on this planet. If you don't learn them the first time around, that's okay! The planet does not get angry. It simply gives you the lesson again. I cannot tell you how often I see this with the people that I counsel. For example, they may be in one relationship after another never picking up on the patterns that cause them distress. Perhaps the lesson that is supposed to learned is to be more responsible in relationships. Maybe it's to cool it for a while and learned some autonomy and independence. Whatever the lesson, if they don't get it they will continue to repeat the pattern until they hurt so badly that they change. Another life lesson might be to stop worrying so much. This is a difficult cycle to break. Clients get to the point where they even worry about worrying. What eventually happens is they find themselves alone because people can't tolerate their negativity, or they rarely leave their house because they consistently fear something is going to happen. When they finally get "it" they seek help decreasing their anxiety. They learn to accept life on life's terms instead of attempting to control things they cannot possibly control. There are hundreds of examples, no-thousands of examples of lessons that we are to learn on a day-to-day basis. Stop and ask yourself about patterns, cycles of behavior, and things that you have seen repetitively in your life. What lesson is being presented to you? What are you supposed to learn from that situation? If you don't learn it this time, it will be presented to you again. Your formal education may be completed, but life education goes on for... well... life! Pay attention in class.
4) Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. There are several applications for this rule, but I think the first one is about being judgmental. If I am all about being on time, I have great difficulty appreciating people who are always late. If I have a high priority for staying healthy, I may be very judgmental about people who are overweight or unfit. But this rule goes even deeper. I recently got a call from a very panicked mother asking me to see her 18-year-old son because of his drug (marijuana) habit. He had been arrested twice and lost his car because it was involved in a drug deal. He also appears to be underperforming in life as he seems to be very bright yet works a part-time job in retail. He lives with his parents and continues to smoke pot and underperform. His mother is very angry with him for his continuous use of pot. However, as it turns out, she has been an active alcoholic for as long as he can remember. Every day after work she comes home and drinks to the point of slurring her words. He also reports that his father drinks a lot as well. His older sister drinks and smokes pot. He tells me that if he says anything to his mother about her drinking she "freaks out". The mother hates the fact that her son is following her addictive pattern. She wants me to "fix" him but does not want to address her own addiction problem. She probably doesn't recognize it, but she sees him as a reflection of her and hates it. If the system is broken, fixing one part of it doesn't really help. As long as he lives there and the mother continues to model this behavior is going to be very difficult to convince this late adolescent to be more responsible for his addiction. The mother sees herself in her son and hates it. If she could ever get her brain around this rule she might actually begin to recognize her responsibility to herself and to her family.
Another example of this is people who have been judged all of their lives are very judgmental. They often hate the fact that they were judged by their parents or others and yet they can't stop themselves from doing the same thing. It becomes a form of external on us self-hate and they usually compensate by eating, spending, drinking, or some other compulsive habit.
Stop and ask yourself about the challenges in your life. What is it you are missing? Have you seen this before? The circumstances may be different but the dynamics may look the same. Stop and take into account the things that you need to change. Are you waiting until you get "there", or working on "here". Have you embraced the idea of your imperfect life and attempt to make the best of it? What is it that you see in others that angers or disgusts you. It may be time to look in the mirror.
