Relationship Beginnings: Don't Get Lost in Love
For most people the beginning of relationships is a wonderful time. There is newness and novelty. There is excitement over finally meeting someone new, thinking about where it might go, and a spark of emotions that you may now have felt in a long time. There are also physiological changes in the body that help with these feelings. During courtship, it is suspected that there is a measurable increase in the amount of oxytocin-the same "feel-good" hormone that is released during sex-present in the brain, which contributes to the overall excitement of a new relationship. It is this sensation that I suspect people get hooked on. Once the thrill diminishes there can be a letdown. Some move on to the next relationship and start all over again in order to get the excitement again. For most however, the initial bond set during courtship leads to a longer relationship.
I suppose you could look at this as one of nature's tricks. The initial attraction and positive feelings help to establish and sustain a longer-term relationship (even after these feelings diminish). I guess it's sort of like the natural way we find babies so adorable. We fall in love with our children early because so many times they challenge us as they get older.
If you are considering a new relationship, step back for a minute and take some of these things into consideration. Try to reestablish your global view of the situation and look at what is happening dynamically. So many times I hear people say to me-after the end of the relationship-that they never saw "it" coming. They suggest that the personality of their last lover changed over the course of the relationship and thus the relationship failure. However, consistently, there are markers of personality dynamics evident early on-that may or may not detract from a relationship. It is important that you identify them now. This is just one example of dynamics that are evident early, yet we can fail to take into consideration the possible long-term impact on the relationship. There are hundreds of other examples.
I have mentioned in other Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink that- at a superficial level- men pursue women of youth and beauty and women pursue men of means and material. If you look at this in evolutionary terms it naturally makes sense. Primitively, a man would seek a woman of youth as she would be healthier and have more longevity to bear his children. Women would seek men of means as they could support and provide for the family in general. Even in modern terms some of these primitive ideas make sense.
The trouble may start when-in modern relationships-the tides turn. That the superficiality cannot bear the weight of the rest of the relationship and it ends. It might look something like this:
Chad and Denise met at a neighborhood party thrown by a couple of their mutual friends. Chad is a successful hard-working man who owns his own business, has significant material wealth, and is very socially connected with his friends. His cell phone and laptop are his constant companions. Denise is a stunning woman brought up in a middle-class home. She is used to being catered to by men because of her beauty, and spends a great deal of time on vanity. The beginning of their relationship is very positive. Their friends tell them what a great couple they make together, they spend a lot of time "seeing and being seen", and are both excited to have found each other.
A year later they have moved in with each other and are strongly considering getting married. But, the polish begins to come off. Denise is consistently upset because Chad spends way too much time working and with "his" friends. They are not going out half as much as they used to, Chad appears preoccupied with the day-to-day operations of his business, and Denise senses the emotional distance. Chad on the other hand believes that Denise complains too much about his working, spends way too much money on clothing and make up, and that she does not understand what it takes to run a business. He also senses the emotional distance.
Step back and look at these dynamics. Superficially, Chad wants a woman who looks like she shops on Fifth Avenue but buys of her stuff at Wal-Mart. He worked hard for his money and does not mind spending it on material goods, but is also relatively conservative about it (his terms). Denise wants a man of wealth and means but does not want him to spend too much time gaining it. She believes that the things that they do, they should do together. She does not understand why he needs to spend so much time with his friends.
Also consider the personality characteristics here (and understand the degree to which I am stereotyping). Fifth Avenue shoppers often are very externalized (it's what's on the outside that counts) about how they think of themselves. How she looks is what gives her identity. Her beauty has gotten her a long way. She may never have established a strong base of ego strength (some people call this self-esteem) because she has always gotten by superficially. Short and longer term issues will arise from her outlook. As her beauty fades so may her security.
The personality of the overachievers is also externalized. Much of his identity comes from what he considers to be "success". The art of the deal is what he lives by. He gets his identity from what he has (sometimes the trophy date) and what he does. Material success and control of that success is everything. In many ways it is similar to the female counterparts because so much depends on what other people see and believe about them versus who they are inside. Both can be a formula for failure because beauty fades and the wealth comes and goes.
This superficiality rarely lasts. If it is all this couple has to offer to each other, they will stay together until they are no longer of value to one another. They will then go about finding someone else who can fulfill the superficial need. If the relationship lasts it will be because one of them either subordinates themselves to the other, or they spend a significant amount of time looking inward, finding common bonds, and begin to gain their sense of security from their relationship instead of how others see them.
What about you? I have no illusion that physical attraction isn't an important element in the development of relationships. With everything we see the surface first. Being physically attractive is necessary to lay the path for a longer-term relationship. Also finding someone with whom we feel emotionally, financially, and physically secure is important. With that sense we are able to move forward in a longer-term relationship.
Take a minute and step back. Look at your new partner personality wise and dynamically. Look at the way the two of you relate and why you relate. Do you see any repeat patterns? It is possibly more important that you look in the mirror and ask questions about your motivation versus the motivation of your partner. Are you paying attention to the structure of your relationship? Are you lost in those good feelings with your eyes wide shut? Are there any red or yellow flags that you might need to discuss? There is superficiality in most relationships. However, after the initial romance, becoming emotionally connected with trust, love, and respect is what is most important.
I suppose you could look at this as one of nature's tricks. The initial attraction and positive feelings help to establish and sustain a longer-term relationship (even after these feelings diminish). I guess it's sort of like the natural way we find babies so adorable. We fall in love with our children early because so many times they challenge us as they get older.
If you are considering a new relationship, step back for a minute and take some of these things into consideration. Try to reestablish your global view of the situation and look at what is happening dynamically. So many times I hear people say to me-after the end of the relationship-that they never saw "it" coming. They suggest that the personality of their last lover changed over the course of the relationship and thus the relationship failure. However, consistently, there are markers of personality dynamics evident early on-that may or may not detract from a relationship. It is important that you identify them now. This is just one example of dynamics that are evident early, yet we can fail to take into consideration the possible long-term impact on the relationship. There are hundreds of other examples.
I have mentioned in other Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink that- at a superficial level- men pursue women of youth and beauty and women pursue men of means and material. If you look at this in evolutionary terms it naturally makes sense. Primitively, a man would seek a woman of youth as she would be healthier and have more longevity to bear his children. Women would seek men of means as they could support and provide for the family in general. Even in modern terms some of these primitive ideas make sense.
The trouble may start when-in modern relationships-the tides turn. That the superficiality cannot bear the weight of the rest of the relationship and it ends. It might look something like this:
Chad and Denise met at a neighborhood party thrown by a couple of their mutual friends. Chad is a successful hard-working man who owns his own business, has significant material wealth, and is very socially connected with his friends. His cell phone and laptop are his constant companions. Denise is a stunning woman brought up in a middle-class home. She is used to being catered to by men because of her beauty, and spends a great deal of time on vanity. The beginning of their relationship is very positive. Their friends tell them what a great couple they make together, they spend a lot of time "seeing and being seen", and are both excited to have found each other.
A year later they have moved in with each other and are strongly considering getting married. But, the polish begins to come off. Denise is consistently upset because Chad spends way too much time working and with "his" friends. They are not going out half as much as they used to, Chad appears preoccupied with the day-to-day operations of his business, and Denise senses the emotional distance. Chad on the other hand believes that Denise complains too much about his working, spends way too much money on clothing and make up, and that she does not understand what it takes to run a business. He also senses the emotional distance.
Step back and look at these dynamics. Superficially, Chad wants a woman who looks like she shops on Fifth Avenue but buys of her stuff at Wal-Mart. He worked hard for his money and does not mind spending it on material goods, but is also relatively conservative about it (his terms). Denise wants a man of wealth and means but does not want him to spend too much time gaining it. She believes that the things that they do, they should do together. She does not understand why he needs to spend so much time with his friends.
Also consider the personality characteristics here (and understand the degree to which I am stereotyping). Fifth Avenue shoppers often are very externalized (it's what's on the outside that counts) about how they think of themselves. How she looks is what gives her identity. Her beauty has gotten her a long way. She may never have established a strong base of ego strength (some people call this self-esteem) because she has always gotten by superficially. Short and longer term issues will arise from her outlook. As her beauty fades so may her security.
The personality of the overachievers is also externalized. Much of his identity comes from what he considers to be "success". The art of the deal is what he lives by. He gets his identity from what he has (sometimes the trophy date) and what he does. Material success and control of that success is everything. In many ways it is similar to the female counterparts because so much depends on what other people see and believe about them versus who they are inside. Both can be a formula for failure because beauty fades and the wealth comes and goes.
This superficiality rarely lasts. If it is all this couple has to offer to each other, they will stay together until they are no longer of value to one another. They will then go about finding someone else who can fulfill the superficial need. If the relationship lasts it will be because one of them either subordinates themselves to the other, or they spend a significant amount of time looking inward, finding common bonds, and begin to gain their sense of security from their relationship instead of how others see them.
What about you? I have no illusion that physical attraction isn't an important element in the development of relationships. With everything we see the surface first. Being physically attractive is necessary to lay the path for a longer-term relationship. Also finding someone with whom we feel emotionally, financially, and physically secure is important. With that sense we are able to move forward in a longer-term relationship.
Take a minute and step back. Look at your new partner personality wise and dynamically. Look at the way the two of you relate and why you relate. Do you see any repeat patterns? It is possibly more important that you look in the mirror and ask questions about your motivation versus the motivation of your partner. Are you paying attention to the structure of your relationship? Are you lost in those good feelings with your eyes wide shut? Are there any red or yellow flags that you might need to discuss? There is superficiality in most relationships. However, after the initial romance, becoming emotionally connected with trust, love, and respect is what is most important.
