Relationship Beginnings: Don't Get Lost in Lust
I have a 49-year-old male client who is very wealthy and very distraught. He came in anxious, depressed, and feeling taken advantage of.
Last year, while in a coffee shop, he met a 24-year-old woman and struck up a meaningful conversation with her. Over the course of a week or so he "courted" her, which evolved into unprotected sex the following weekend. She told him she was on birth control. Their romantic life together continued several weeks thereafter. Two months later she was pregnant and decided to keep the child. After the child was born she terminated their romantic relationship and sought and rightly received child support.
When I hear of situations like this, my immediate curiosity is why a man with such wealth and material goods isn't smarter than that? He is successful in business and in the community, and is very socially and legally connected. By the way, don't read this as a judgment about people having children outside of wedlock. He told me that he had no intentions of having a long-term relationship with her. Yet, something took over. He repeatedly had unprotected sex and she ended up pregnant.
My immediate conclusion is that he must have been deluded both by lust. Secondly, I am curious about why a 24-year-old attractive woman would want to have a relationship with a man 25 years her senior. It's not that it doesn't happen successfully. Instead, it is relatively unusual for a relationship with a 25 year age difference to last because they usually have little in common. There are one and a half generations between them.
I could launch into some psychobabble about a woman looking for a daddy figure or a man looking for a daughter figure, but this looks more dubious than that. Obviously I don't know the original intent or motivation for her. But, on the outside looking in, it looks like a setup. He saw himself as kind of a big shot looking for youth and beauty, finding what he believed to ba a perfect match. She saw her opportunity to have a child with substantial support. It goes back to my <em>Neighborhood Shrink Note</em> on <a href="http://www.behappy101.com/tns-relationship-beginnings.html"><em>Relationship Beginnings - Don't Get Lost in Love</em></a>, but <em>this</em> has more to do with his lust and possibly her strong maternal drive. It appears to have less to do with having a superficial relationship.
What is astonishing is our ability to self-deceive. Reality gets obscured by fantasy that’s fueled by what Freud called libido or sex drive. It is another form of a self-imposed delusional state. I call it self-imposed because most people who are in it know intellectually they need to stop what they are doing and reconsider the outcome. This state of mind shows up in many forms. It is the same force that disables intended monogamy (most people will tell me at the beginning of their relationship they would never think of cheating. Then they do!). The same self-deception also helps explain the ever increasing spread of sexually transmitted illness. From kids to grandparents, people tell themselves, "It will never happen to me." They get lost in their sex drive and become a statistic. For many it would be simple to attribute this to lack of intelligence. I suppose in some cases-such as teenage pregnancy-it has to do with lack of knowledge gained from sex education. But, most adults know what it takes to get pregnant. One of the silver linings to come out of the HIV crisis is a remarkable increase in public awareness of sexually transmitted illness.
So, check yourself. It can happen to you. Here are some things to consider;
Last year, while in a coffee shop, he met a 24-year-old woman and struck up a meaningful conversation with her. Over the course of a week or so he "courted" her, which evolved into unprotected sex the following weekend. She told him she was on birth control. Their romantic life together continued several weeks thereafter. Two months later she was pregnant and decided to keep the child. After the child was born she terminated their romantic relationship and sought and rightly received child support.
When I hear of situations like this, my immediate curiosity is why a man with such wealth and material goods isn't smarter than that? He is successful in business and in the community, and is very socially and legally connected. By the way, don't read this as a judgment about people having children outside of wedlock. He told me that he had no intentions of having a long-term relationship with her. Yet, something took over. He repeatedly had unprotected sex and she ended up pregnant.
My immediate conclusion is that he must have been deluded both by lust. Secondly, I am curious about why a 24-year-old attractive woman would want to have a relationship with a man 25 years her senior. It's not that it doesn't happen successfully. Instead, it is relatively unusual for a relationship with a 25 year age difference to last because they usually have little in common. There are one and a half generations between them.
I could launch into some psychobabble about a woman looking for a daddy figure or a man looking for a daughter figure, but this looks more dubious than that. Obviously I don't know the original intent or motivation for her. But, on the outside looking in, it looks like a setup. He saw himself as kind of a big shot looking for youth and beauty, finding what he believed to ba a perfect match. She saw her opportunity to have a child with substantial support. It goes back to my <em>Neighborhood Shrink Note</em> on <a href="http://www.behappy101.com/tns-relationship-beginnings.html"><em>Relationship Beginnings - Don't Get Lost in Love</em></a>, but <em>this</em> has more to do with his lust and possibly her strong maternal drive. It appears to have less to do with having a superficial relationship.
What is astonishing is our ability to self-deceive. Reality gets obscured by fantasy that’s fueled by what Freud called libido or sex drive. It is another form of a self-imposed delusional state. I call it self-imposed because most people who are in it know intellectually they need to stop what they are doing and reconsider the outcome. This state of mind shows up in many forms. It is the same force that disables intended monogamy (most people will tell me at the beginning of their relationship they would never think of cheating. Then they do!). The same self-deception also helps explain the ever increasing spread of sexually transmitted illness. From kids to grandparents, people tell themselves, "It will never happen to me." They get lost in their sex drive and become a statistic. For many it would be simple to attribute this to lack of intelligence. I suppose in some cases-such as teenage pregnancy-it has to do with lack of knowledge gained from sex education. But, most adults know what it takes to get pregnant. One of the silver linings to come out of the HIV crisis is a remarkable increase in public awareness of sexually transmitted illness.
So, check yourself. It can happen to you. Here are some things to consider;
- Keep your pants on. Establish a meaningful relationship before having sex. Is your partner trustworthy and competent? Have you discussed sexually transmitted illness, their thoughts on pregnancy/abortion, and do you share values around all of that? If they are pressuring you for sex, that's a bad sign! You may not be compatible.
- Stop and ask yourself what you are really looking for. If it's just about sex, wrap that rascal. If your partner refuses to wear a condom or allow you to wear a condom, question their motivation. If you are in it just for sex, do you have an obligation to tell your partner that?
- If you have any sense that you are being sexual with someone because you are lonely or because it's a good way to get someone to like you, get some therapy! Your value does not lie in your sexuality. Work on your ego strength and possible dependency issues.
- If you have already had relationships like this where you feel guilty after sex, are ashamed of what you are doing, or feel uneasy about what's going on, you need to stop and take a look at your pattern. It may eventually catch up to you. Your insecurity, sex drive, or self-involvement may cause you to write a check that your life cannot cover
