Relationship Beginnings: Don't Get Lost in Loneliness
A recent documentary portrayed a woman who got taken for thousands of dollars by a man who at one time expressed his undying love for her. They met on the Internet and eventually in person. When she saw him she was immediately physically and emotionally attracted to him. He was charismatic, good-looking, and seemed worldly. He spoke of similar values to hers and really loved dogs as did she. He revealed to her that he had fallen on hard times recently with finances because both of his parents got very ill at the same time. But, otherwise he was a successful businessman and seemed to be very genuine.
The unfortunate part is that he was genuine-about ripping people off. He was out to take advantage of her. He was very cunning and convincing. He slowly groomed her into a vulnerable position. After six months of their relationship together he had drained her bank accounts, secured a second mortgage on her home, and disappeared. She came to find out later through the police and Internet search that he had done this before.
This woman was intelligent, personable, and liked taking care of others. She had been working in her same job for 10 years in a middle management position. She had accumulated some money from a small inheritance from her parents and was putting money away for retirement. It was all now lost!
How does this happen? How does an intelligent experienced woman get so taken? As the story unfolded she discussed a few failed relationships and how she had never really had a long-term serious love. Appearance wise she was obese and dressed very conservatively. She was in her early 40s and gave an air of being somewhat desperate to find a mate. She was not very socially connected, spent a lot of time doing her job, and her main outside interests were her two German shepherds. She also spent a lot of time online. In short, she was lonely and emotionally desperate. A good-looking, charismatic man comes along and tells her just what she wants to hear, how much he cares about her, how he wants to share the rest of his life with her, and that he just needs to work through a few problems. In hindsight she stated that it all seemed too good to be true. Sadly it was!
Getting taken advantage of is not reserved for emotionally constricted women. There are frequent stories of attractive college-educated professionals who gets scammed by online predators pretending to be one person (through a stolen identity) and turn out to be something completely different. Both men and women report falling in love with a picture and identity of someone that they have never physically met.
Loneliness is a powerful emotion. It leads intelligent and sensitive people to do things they would not otherwise do - especially when it comes to intimate relationships. They participate in unfulfilling relations because any relationship is better than nothing for resolving their loneliness. They can be blinded by the relief they periodically get from having someone physically and/or emotionally. It is another form of self-delusion. These fear-of-being-lonely motivated relationships take several forms. Here is a list of a few:
These are some common traits that people who are blinded by loneliness exhibit: a lack of ego strength (self-esteem/belief in self), socially constricted or anxious (they don't have a lot of friends), and/or they may have a relatively unsuccessful relationship history. they also report not having the time to go out and develop "real" relationships. There can be a cycle of lack of self-care which contributes to obesity, the obesity leads to fewer relationships which leads back to more loneliness<sup>1</sup>. There may be strong traits of codependency or heroism (they like playing a hero to the needy). It's a perfect mix to get taken advantage of.
If there is any chance you may be subject to this “lost in loneliness” issue, here are some questions to ask yourself about you and your potential mate:
Step back and check yourself. Look in the mirror. You know the reality! Are you in over your head? Is this one of those too good to be true situations? You have enough experience to know what your capacity and limitations are. Don't lose sight of the fact that we are a superficial culture.
Here's what to do if you think you are being scammed:
The unfortunate part is that he was genuine-about ripping people off. He was out to take advantage of her. He was very cunning and convincing. He slowly groomed her into a vulnerable position. After six months of their relationship together he had drained her bank accounts, secured a second mortgage on her home, and disappeared. She came to find out later through the police and Internet search that he had done this before.
This woman was intelligent, personable, and liked taking care of others. She had been working in her same job for 10 years in a middle management position. She had accumulated some money from a small inheritance from her parents and was putting money away for retirement. It was all now lost!
How does this happen? How does an intelligent experienced woman get so taken? As the story unfolded she discussed a few failed relationships and how she had never really had a long-term serious love. Appearance wise she was obese and dressed very conservatively. She was in her early 40s and gave an air of being somewhat desperate to find a mate. She was not very socially connected, spent a lot of time doing her job, and her main outside interests were her two German shepherds. She also spent a lot of time online. In short, she was lonely and emotionally desperate. A good-looking, charismatic man comes along and tells her just what she wants to hear, how much he cares about her, how he wants to share the rest of his life with her, and that he just needs to work through a few problems. In hindsight she stated that it all seemed too good to be true. Sadly it was!
Getting taken advantage of is not reserved for emotionally constricted women. There are frequent stories of attractive college-educated professionals who gets scammed by online predators pretending to be one person (through a stolen identity) and turn out to be something completely different. Both men and women report falling in love with a picture and identity of someone that they have never physically met.
Loneliness is a powerful emotion. It leads intelligent and sensitive people to do things they would not otherwise do - especially when it comes to intimate relationships. They participate in unfulfilling relations because any relationship is better than nothing for resolving their loneliness. They can be blinded by the relief they periodically get from having someone physically and/or emotionally. It is another form of self-delusion. These fear-of-being-lonely motivated relationships take several forms. Here is a list of a few:
- They get involved with someone who is married (or otherwise very emotionally involved with another person) but who promises that they are going to divorce or break up.
- They get involved in an ostensibly friends with benefits relationship even though they really want more.
- They get involved with someone who lives far away (many times in another country) and who promises to eventually move closer (or move-in) but doesn’t. However, that person doesn't mind asking for money or other means of support from afar.
- They get involved with someone over the Internet either through a dating site or a chat room who consistently promises to intensify the relationship later, but needs a loan sooner.</li>
- They get involved with someone who is in prison (remember, any relationship is better than loneliness to them).</li>
- They seek out various types of sexual relationships - even if these relationships go against their personal values - in order to feel close and connected to somebody. Sex can even be with strangers, but for those few sexual moments they get a sense of connectedness and out of their lonely mind.
These are some common traits that people who are blinded by loneliness exhibit: a lack of ego strength (self-esteem/belief in self), socially constricted or anxious (they don't have a lot of friends), and/or they may have a relatively unsuccessful relationship history. they also report not having the time to go out and develop "real" relationships. There can be a cycle of lack of self-care which contributes to obesity, the obesity leads to fewer relationships which leads back to more loneliness<sup>1</sup>. There may be strong traits of codependency or heroism (they like playing a hero to the needy). It's a perfect mix to get taken advantage of.
If there is any chance you may be subject to this “lost in loneliness” issue, here are some questions to ask yourself about you and your potential mate:
Step back and check yourself. Look in the mirror. You know the reality! Are you in over your head? Is this one of those too good to be true situations? You have enough experience to know what your capacity and limitations are. Don't lose sight of the fact that we are a superficial culture.
- Are you emotionally vulnerable enough to being taken advantage of?
- Do they promise a more meaningful relationship but only come around for sex or money?
- Do you have a history of emotionally distant relationships where you never fully engage? Or, do you have a history of dating those who are emotionally distant? In other words, is this your pattern and is history repeating itself?
- Have you become increasingly dependent on your potential new mate for contact? Do you incessantly check your e-mails, snail mail, texts, and become anxious when you have not heard from them? Have you lost sense of yourself and your identity by giving up your friends (or your job, your resources, or distanced yourself from your family since the relationship began?) Many times these are related to dependency and codependency. Check yourself! You may be losing you!
- Has your potential mate very quickly expressed their undying love, their wish to spend the rest of their lives with you, or have you done the same? Are they in hyper drive when it comes to complementing or validating you? Does their love talk seem abnormal? After all, they really don't know you that well! Does it feel too magical too fast?
- Have they made specific un-kept promises? Is it a pattern? Do they disappear for periods of time with no knowledge as to their whereabouts and become defensive when you ask? How many times have you taken them back?
- What are your friends or family saying about your new relationship? Is their opinion credible?
- Has your potential mate mentioned enormous unverifiable wealth that they will eventually share? Can you get a copy of their credit reports? (No, really!) Questions about credit scores are important.
- Have they asked for money, access to personal records, or any other type personal or financial information? Are you tempted to loan them money but have an uneasy feeling about it?
- Are they gainfully employed and can you verify it? Do they have verifiable assets (like a home, car, or other standard types of assets)?
- Do they have history online? Many times scammers use dating sites for fishing. Their profiles might look great, but there is no other evidence of them existing anywhere. For example, do they have a verifiable address? A lot of people will at least come up on a Classmates type site or the County property appraiser's office.
- Do they live locally? If they live far away, how exactly are you going to have any type of relationship with them outside of an Internet connection (and possibly your checking account). Common scams come from countries like Nigeria and Ghana. If you need to, tell them the relationship can start when they get here. Pictures mean nothing. Online anyone can be anything they want to be and look anyway they want to look.
Here's what to do if you think you are being scammed:
- Do some research. If you have suspicions, hit the Internet and do some checking. While Googling a potential lover may seem paranoid it beats the heck out of the alternative when they turn out to be a scammer. I'll say it again. Ask for their credit score and verify it.
- Seek support from others. There are several places on the Internet where you can get more information and talk with others who have been through the same thing
- Report it to law enforcement. Of course it's embarrassing! But, consider the impact on your life as well as others.
