Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos (A.K.A. Establishing Resiliency) Part One
The world is crazy! Some of the people around you seem nuts! There are times when you feel no sense of control at all, and other times that you think you are in control only to have something ring your reality bell. There are people freaking out in your life and you can't keep enough distance to not freak out with them. Your work, your family, or your health seemed fine and then all of a sudden something comes along that puts it into a tailspin. How do you get through it? How do you stay grounded when the rest of the world seems out of control?
The main focus of this series of Neighborhood Shrink Notes is about resiliency. It is about how in times of chaos, disillusionment, and stress we maintain some sense of stability. Resiliency is not only important in times of craziness. Establishing a baseline of resilient behaviors and systems is important on a day-to-day basis to help us maintain a sense of balance.
Terence Gorski1- a renowned author, speaker and therapist, has defined resiliency as the following: the ability to experience set-backs or temporary failures without becoming discouraged or disillusioned, and the ability to maintain optimism, hope, and self motivation in the face of adversity.
I have divided resiliency and to two separate areas. When I ask people what their definition of resiliency is, many of them tell me that it is the ability to spring back from a problematic situation. I agree with this conclusion. This definition mirrors Gorski's thoughts. However, resiliency also has to do with living day-to-day lives with the highest quality, emotional balance, and satisfaction possible. We are all faced with challenges daily. You know people-this may include you-who face life's complications with strength and a positive attitude. You also know people who-when faced with adversity-have a tendency to crumble under the weight of big problems. They sense themselves as being incapable of dealing with the stress and most likely take down those around them as well (“misery loves company”).
What is the difference between these two types of people? What things do you need to think, do, or say in order to maintain a sense of overall balance and be able to "spring back" when faced with life's storms? As a cognitive and behavioral therapist I would like to address first how you think and then what you can do to establish a stronger sense of resiliency.
Where are your weaknesses? What or who gets to you the most? What does it take to get you off kilter and keep you there? Identifying specific situations, people, and behaviors that rock your world is the place to start. You'll need to do this on your own as there is no way any written material could comprehensively attempt to identify everything for everybody. But do it! Tonight before you go to bed take out a piece of paper and sit down and identify the things (or situations) that take you out. (I ask you to write so much in these Neighborhood Shrink Notes that maybe it's time to start a journal or a workbook. If you do so it must be stored in a place that you can maintain complete privacy). Again this may include situations such as work, family, or social life that give you a sense of stress or feeling unbalanced.
Next, take a look at the people in your life, for example your parents, your coworkers, or those outside your circle, that make you a little nutty. I specifically put parents as an example because I know of so many adults who appear to be otherwise emotionally stable and yet allow their parents to make them crazy.
The third thing that I would have you consider is your behaviors. What do you do that makes you feel out of control, guilty, or disturbs the equilibrium of your life? These behaviors could include your drinking or other compulsive behaviors, anger control problems, your avoidance of conflict, working too late or spending more time with your children than you do with your spouse. Most of the time these are behaviors that we know that we "shouldn't" do, but do anyway. Maybe you primarily avoid the rest of the world by keeping to yourself. Lately in my practice I have seen an incredible amount of diversionary time spent on the Internet on My Space, Twitter, or online gaming. It really does look like an addictive practice. You think it gives you a sense of connection and yet you are very lonely.
For the next week walk around with a piece of paper in your pocket and something to write with, and comprehensively attempt to identify the things that throw you off balance.
Most people have a tendency to blame chaos on the external world. They will come for therapy and tell me how elements in their life are making them crazy. What they soon begin to understand is that it has little to do with the external world. It has to do with the way that they interpret things-in other words the way they think. For example, in 2008 the United States had a tumultuous presidential campaign resulting in the election of our current president. Some people are angry and frustrated by the results of the election. Some people are absolutely ecstatic about the outcome. But, it was the same election! How they frame it and what they conclude from the outcome is in their head, not out here in the world. It is related to their values, their upbringing, their sense of what is right, but it is all in their head.
Many of my Neighborhood Shrink Notes refer to conflict. Some people try to avoid it, some people overreact to it. As we all know there is no such thing as a conflict-free world. The same thing is true with chaos. Chaos is everywhere if we interpret it as being everywhere. Do you attempt to avoid it, or do you overreact to it?
Resiliency isn't based in either of these approaches. Resiliency recognizes that chaos occurs in our own mind and reacts accordingly. In other words chaos is not the problem, it's how we respond to it that makes the difference between balance and imbalance. Chaos comes from how we think. We get exposed to certain situations, our anxiety increases, and then the "what if generator" starts up in our minds. We began to ask ourselves “what if this happens or what if that happens”. We'll lie awake at night contemplating the catastrophic outcome, not being able to turn off our thinking, and make ourselves crazy in the long run.
I know this all may sound like circular logic for now. But try what I have asked. Take a moment before you go to bed tonight and write down things (situations), people, and behaviors that make you feel chaotic, anxious, or out of sorts. If you can, break it down to (A) the triggering event, (B) what you are thinking when you respond to it, and then (C) what your response is. Then, over this next week carry a piece of paper with you and every time you come upon a situation that gives you the same sensations, write it down. The next Neighborhood Shrink Note (Part Two of this series) is all about changing the way you think. If all of this seems a little hokey at this point, that's okay! If you are feeling out of control, a little crazy, and do not feel as though you have resiliency, your current system ain't working. Just try this.
Gorski, Terrence, (2007) The GORSKI-CENAPS® Model for Recovery and Relapse Prevention. Herald House/Independence Press
The main focus of this series of Neighborhood Shrink Notes is about resiliency. It is about how in times of chaos, disillusionment, and stress we maintain some sense of stability. Resiliency is not only important in times of craziness. Establishing a baseline of resilient behaviors and systems is important on a day-to-day basis to help us maintain a sense of balance.
Terence Gorski1- a renowned author, speaker and therapist, has defined resiliency as the following: the ability to experience set-backs or temporary failures without becoming discouraged or disillusioned, and the ability to maintain optimism, hope, and self motivation in the face of adversity.
I have divided resiliency and to two separate areas. When I ask people what their definition of resiliency is, many of them tell me that it is the ability to spring back from a problematic situation. I agree with this conclusion. This definition mirrors Gorski's thoughts. However, resiliency also has to do with living day-to-day lives with the highest quality, emotional balance, and satisfaction possible. We are all faced with challenges daily. You know people-this may include you-who face life's complications with strength and a positive attitude. You also know people who-when faced with adversity-have a tendency to crumble under the weight of big problems. They sense themselves as being incapable of dealing with the stress and most likely take down those around them as well (“misery loves company”).
What is the difference between these two types of people? What things do you need to think, do, or say in order to maintain a sense of overall balance and be able to "spring back" when faced with life's storms? As a cognitive and behavioral therapist I would like to address first how you think and then what you can do to establish a stronger sense of resiliency.
Where are your weaknesses? What or who gets to you the most? What does it take to get you off kilter and keep you there? Identifying specific situations, people, and behaviors that rock your world is the place to start. You'll need to do this on your own as there is no way any written material could comprehensively attempt to identify everything for everybody. But do it! Tonight before you go to bed take out a piece of paper and sit down and identify the things (or situations) that take you out. (I ask you to write so much in these Neighborhood Shrink Notes that maybe it's time to start a journal or a workbook. If you do so it must be stored in a place that you can maintain complete privacy). Again this may include situations such as work, family, or social life that give you a sense of stress or feeling unbalanced.
Next, take a look at the people in your life, for example your parents, your coworkers, or those outside your circle, that make you a little nutty. I specifically put parents as an example because I know of so many adults who appear to be otherwise emotionally stable and yet allow their parents to make them crazy.
The third thing that I would have you consider is your behaviors. What do you do that makes you feel out of control, guilty, or disturbs the equilibrium of your life? These behaviors could include your drinking or other compulsive behaviors, anger control problems, your avoidance of conflict, working too late or spending more time with your children than you do with your spouse. Most of the time these are behaviors that we know that we "shouldn't" do, but do anyway. Maybe you primarily avoid the rest of the world by keeping to yourself. Lately in my practice I have seen an incredible amount of diversionary time spent on the Internet on My Space, Twitter, or online gaming. It really does look like an addictive practice. You think it gives you a sense of connection and yet you are very lonely.
For the next week walk around with a piece of paper in your pocket and something to write with, and comprehensively attempt to identify the things that throw you off balance.
Most people have a tendency to blame chaos on the external world. They will come for therapy and tell me how elements in their life are making them crazy. What they soon begin to understand is that it has little to do with the external world. It has to do with the way that they interpret things-in other words the way they think. For example, in 2008 the United States had a tumultuous presidential campaign resulting in the election of our current president. Some people are angry and frustrated by the results of the election. Some people are absolutely ecstatic about the outcome. But, it was the same election! How they frame it and what they conclude from the outcome is in their head, not out here in the world. It is related to their values, their upbringing, their sense of what is right, but it is all in their head.
Many of my Neighborhood Shrink Notes refer to conflict. Some people try to avoid it, some people overreact to it. As we all know there is no such thing as a conflict-free world. The same thing is true with chaos. Chaos is everywhere if we interpret it as being everywhere. Do you attempt to avoid it, or do you overreact to it?
Resiliency isn't based in either of these approaches. Resiliency recognizes that chaos occurs in our own mind and reacts accordingly. In other words chaos is not the problem, it's how we respond to it that makes the difference between balance and imbalance. Chaos comes from how we think. We get exposed to certain situations, our anxiety increases, and then the "what if generator" starts up in our minds. We began to ask ourselves “what if this happens or what if that happens”. We'll lie awake at night contemplating the catastrophic outcome, not being able to turn off our thinking, and make ourselves crazy in the long run.
I know this all may sound like circular logic for now. But try what I have asked. Take a moment before you go to bed tonight and write down things (situations), people, and behaviors that make you feel chaotic, anxious, or out of sorts. If you can, break it down to (A) the triggering event, (B) what you are thinking when you respond to it, and then (C) what your response is. Then, over this next week carry a piece of paper with you and every time you come upon a situation that gives you the same sensations, write it down. The next Neighborhood Shrink Note (Part Two of this series) is all about changing the way you think. If all of this seems a little hokey at this point, that's okay! If you are feeling out of control, a little crazy, and do not feel as though you have resiliency, your current system ain't working. Just try this.
Gorski, Terrence, (2007) The GORSKI-CENAPS® Model for Recovery and Relapse Prevention. Herald House/Independence Press