Living A Principled Life
In my note-On One Condition-I mentioned identifying principles by which to live. If you think about it we have done this all of our lives. When we first began to speak we are told also what to think. Our parents tell us what language to use, what rules to live by, and what we should do. Over the course of our first 5 to 10 years we are told things like you don't hit, people don't steal, be honest, et cetera.
If you ask a six-year-old whether they should hit somebody or not they will usually say, "Oh no, my mommy says not to." (They still do it but they know that they shouldn't). If you ask a 15 year old if you should hit somebody, they will usually ask, "What did they do?" Somewhere around the age of 12 to 14 we began to develop what is called reflexive thinking. We are able to think about what we are thinking about. We began to be challenged by the values that we were handed by our parents-which many times is part of the reason for the conflict between teenagers and parents. We begin to measure whether we should hit people, smoke, do drugs or drink, have sex, etc. Much of what we do is related and driven by to our peers. The problem with this is that at this age, we have the ability to make adult decisions but we have great difficulty understanding the long-term implications of our decisions. Being an adolescent is about immediate gratification not about long-term consequences.
As an adult it is important that we look back over our list of values or operating principles. This may sound simplistic, but identifying these basic values can really help people make difficult decisions and get them through the hard times. Sometime today take out piece of paper right and begin to write yours down. You won't get them all in one sitting. Some of that may sound like "I should__________ when it comes to_________". Fill in the blanks. Try to be thorough with it over the next week.
This may sound elementary to you. You are saying to yourself that you do live by your values. But so often just sort of bounce from moment to moment reacting. If you want a good start look to religious references. The 10 Commandments is a great place to begin. I don't mean to put a Christian spin on this, but You Shall Not Kill, You Shall Not Steal, You Shall Not Lie (bear false witness), You Shall Not Commit Adultery (cheat), is a pretty good place to start. Some of these are obvious. What do you do with respect for others, being committed, and working through hard decisions instead of taking the easy way out? What about softer principles like being wasteful, greedy, or envious by comparing yourself to others? In my book, living by principles is the basic premise of integrity. If I'm living a principled life my integrity is intact.
From the therapist chair these principles are not flexible. If one of your values is to not be wasteful for example, this is all encompassing. This means that you don't waste food, you don't waste money, you don't waste the time (yours or others), and you don't waste the one life that you have been given. You don't just do this sometimes. You step back, look at your list, and understand the global application of your values. Like I have said before, this is easy to think about, very difficult to do. Do you have a strong sense of your own integrity?
To further sound preachy, many people use their concept of God as what I call an ideal witness: a carrier of ideals if you will. The story goes like this. They work out a deal with their God that when they have a difficult question to answer they may call on him (her). If I'm having a difficult time making a decision, I ask my God-as my ideal witness-what I might do knowing he is watching. I compare what I'm thinking to my value system; many times the decision is made. It's usually not the easiest decision, but many times it is the right decision. God and I have had many discussions about this, and sometimes I don't like what he thinks. But it seems like he always gets it right in the long run.
At some point in your life you have stepped over your own value system. You have done things that you knew would go against your principles. But you did them anyway! Maybe you are doing it right now. You are acting or participating in a situation or circumstance that in your undermined is not right. But, here you are. There are always natural consequences when we do this. Think about it. When was the last time you did something like this? You knew in your head which you are doing wasn't right but you did it anyway. Maybe you acted like the adolescents and wanted immediate gratification not caring to take into consideration the longer-term implications. And, maybe the natural consequences were guilt, interpersonal problems, or perhaps you even got fired from a job: maybe it broke up a relationship or maybe you just felt terrible after-the-fact. Possibly you went to jail! Instances like this aren't always huge. It could be something as simple as driving after drinking. You know in your gut that it's wrong, but you do it anyway. Or, you know that you should let someone off the hook or open a dialogue with them because your value is to respect others. But, your pride gets in the way and you stay quiet. There are going to be natural consequences at some point.
Again I would like to qualify this. These need to be your values not the values of your parents. As a functional adult you have the ability to establish a living principals list, filter out the ones that are no longer effective for you, and live by it. Many of us fail to take this into consideration and continue to abide by the rules and values of our parents or fail to truly live by any structure at all. Or, we just make the easy decision and live in the moment. When we do so our lives can feel out of balance.
One of the more pervasive things that I see in my clients these days are panic attacks. They are awful moments in time where people experience racing hearts, difficulty breathing, sweaty palms, confusion, and sometimes describe it as they think they're having a heart attack. Panic attacks are part of an anxiety disorder. In therapy-usually inevitably-there are value conflicts going on at the core of this client that needs some resolution if they are going to stop having these attacks. They also need to learn a cognitive and behavioral intervention-such as relaxation-to deal with their sense of panic. It is a difficult process. Not to sound judgmental, but had they identified and lived by their values much earlier in their life, they may have a better sense of balance now. While panic disorder is complex, 90% of it is brought on by what we think and do.
Does this sound too elementary? Have you without question identified and established a routine of living by your operating principles? If you have done this and are still having consistent conflict in your interpersonal relationships, you may need to check again. If you are consistently anxious, they're something that is missing. In the wee small hours of the morning your "what if" or "yes but" generator start running and you can't shut it down. You can't stop thinking. You can't stop feeling. You just can't stop.
Give yourself six-months, change the way you operate, and let me know if it doesn't change the way you feel. You'll have a greater sense of integrity, less anxiety, and people around you will begin to respect your boundaries as well. It is an awesome way to live!
If you ask a six-year-old whether they should hit somebody or not they will usually say, "Oh no, my mommy says not to." (They still do it but they know that they shouldn't). If you ask a 15 year old if you should hit somebody, they will usually ask, "What did they do?" Somewhere around the age of 12 to 14 we began to develop what is called reflexive thinking. We are able to think about what we are thinking about. We began to be challenged by the values that we were handed by our parents-which many times is part of the reason for the conflict between teenagers and parents. We begin to measure whether we should hit people, smoke, do drugs or drink, have sex, etc. Much of what we do is related and driven by to our peers. The problem with this is that at this age, we have the ability to make adult decisions but we have great difficulty understanding the long-term implications of our decisions. Being an adolescent is about immediate gratification not about long-term consequences.
As an adult it is important that we look back over our list of values or operating principles. This may sound simplistic, but identifying these basic values can really help people make difficult decisions and get them through the hard times. Sometime today take out piece of paper right and begin to write yours down. You won't get them all in one sitting. Some of that may sound like "I should__________ when it comes to_________". Fill in the blanks. Try to be thorough with it over the next week.
This may sound elementary to you. You are saying to yourself that you do live by your values. But so often just sort of bounce from moment to moment reacting. If you want a good start look to religious references. The 10 Commandments is a great place to begin. I don't mean to put a Christian spin on this, but You Shall Not Kill, You Shall Not Steal, You Shall Not Lie (bear false witness), You Shall Not Commit Adultery (cheat), is a pretty good place to start. Some of these are obvious. What do you do with respect for others, being committed, and working through hard decisions instead of taking the easy way out? What about softer principles like being wasteful, greedy, or envious by comparing yourself to others? In my book, living by principles is the basic premise of integrity. If I'm living a principled life my integrity is intact.
From the therapist chair these principles are not flexible. If one of your values is to not be wasteful for example, this is all encompassing. This means that you don't waste food, you don't waste money, you don't waste the time (yours or others), and you don't waste the one life that you have been given. You don't just do this sometimes. You step back, look at your list, and understand the global application of your values. Like I have said before, this is easy to think about, very difficult to do. Do you have a strong sense of your own integrity?
To further sound preachy, many people use their concept of God as what I call an ideal witness: a carrier of ideals if you will. The story goes like this. They work out a deal with their God that when they have a difficult question to answer they may call on him (her). If I'm having a difficult time making a decision, I ask my God-as my ideal witness-what I might do knowing he is watching. I compare what I'm thinking to my value system; many times the decision is made. It's usually not the easiest decision, but many times it is the right decision. God and I have had many discussions about this, and sometimes I don't like what he thinks. But it seems like he always gets it right in the long run.
At some point in your life you have stepped over your own value system. You have done things that you knew would go against your principles. But you did them anyway! Maybe you are doing it right now. You are acting or participating in a situation or circumstance that in your undermined is not right. But, here you are. There are always natural consequences when we do this. Think about it. When was the last time you did something like this? You knew in your head which you are doing wasn't right but you did it anyway. Maybe you acted like the adolescents and wanted immediate gratification not caring to take into consideration the longer-term implications. And, maybe the natural consequences were guilt, interpersonal problems, or perhaps you even got fired from a job: maybe it broke up a relationship or maybe you just felt terrible after-the-fact. Possibly you went to jail! Instances like this aren't always huge. It could be something as simple as driving after drinking. You know in your gut that it's wrong, but you do it anyway. Or, you know that you should let someone off the hook or open a dialogue with them because your value is to respect others. But, your pride gets in the way and you stay quiet. There are going to be natural consequences at some point.
Again I would like to qualify this. These need to be your values not the values of your parents. As a functional adult you have the ability to establish a living principals list, filter out the ones that are no longer effective for you, and live by it. Many of us fail to take this into consideration and continue to abide by the rules and values of our parents or fail to truly live by any structure at all. Or, we just make the easy decision and live in the moment. When we do so our lives can feel out of balance.
One of the more pervasive things that I see in my clients these days are panic attacks. They are awful moments in time where people experience racing hearts, difficulty breathing, sweaty palms, confusion, and sometimes describe it as they think they're having a heart attack. Panic attacks are part of an anxiety disorder. In therapy-usually inevitably-there are value conflicts going on at the core of this client that needs some resolution if they are going to stop having these attacks. They also need to learn a cognitive and behavioral intervention-such as relaxation-to deal with their sense of panic. It is a difficult process. Not to sound judgmental, but had they identified and lived by their values much earlier in their life, they may have a better sense of balance now. While panic disorder is complex, 90% of it is brought on by what we think and do.
Does this sound too elementary? Have you without question identified and established a routine of living by your operating principles? If you have done this and are still having consistent conflict in your interpersonal relationships, you may need to check again. If you are consistently anxious, they're something that is missing. In the wee small hours of the morning your "what if" or "yes but" generator start running and you can't shut it down. You can't stop thinking. You can't stop feeling. You just can't stop.
Give yourself six-months, change the way you operate, and let me know if it doesn't change the way you feel. You'll have a greater sense of integrity, less anxiety, and people around you will begin to respect your boundaries as well. It is an awesome way to live!