Intimacy Leaks Part Three: Sexual Intimacy Leaks
Part of the initial evaluation in couple’s therapy includes asking questions about their interpersonal functioning, the identification of specific problems, and their perceptions of intimacy, including their sex lives. There are inquiries about both current and historical sexual frequency, interest and initiation. The frequency and intensity of sex is unique to every couple. Clearly life becomes more complex as we get older and there is a slow loss of interest for some. However, when couples state that they have uncharacteristically not had sex for an extended period of time, especially with younger couples, one of my suspicions is a sexual intimacy leak. One of the first questions-I usually direct it to the male-is how often he masturbates. It is a brutal and sometimes embarrassing question. (I can feel some of you concluding never to go to couples counseling! Look, if you don’t identify the problem, you will never fix it) . Then I ask who has lost interest in sex (within the relationship) and why.
Most healthy young to middle-aged men seek sexual satisfaction relatively frequently. This can be anywhere from a couple of times a day (18 year olds), to several times a week, to a couple of times a month. This is clearly a generalization. However, I rarely find men who do not seek sexual satisfaction for months or years at a time-which is sometimes the frequency of sexual encounters reported in relationships. This is certainly not to say that women don't seek sexual satisfaction – including masturbation - as well.
Masturbation statistics for men and women vary widely. A1994 study by the authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality stated that 63.3% of men ranging in age from 18 to 59 years old masturbated. 41.7% of Women in that same age bracket had solo sex. In a longer study from The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior from 1983 and 1992, 10-38% of women and 25-55% of men involved themselves in masturbation with varying frequency. Over the course of a lifetime, Dr. Alfred Kinsey's studies reported that 92% of men and 62% of women had masturbated at some point.
This Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink is not a condemnation of masturbation. (Masturbation is still taboo in many cultures. Traditionally it is looked down upon. While doing research for this article and attempting to find synonyms online, phrases such as self abuse and self-pollution appeared). Depending on your value system and the overall impact of self gratification on your life, there is most likely nothing inherently wrong with the practice. It's when it begins to impair sexual contact with your mate, becomes the preferred method of sexual satisfaction while you are in a sexual relationship, or develops traits of an addiction that masturbation becomes problematic. (The next Neighborhood Shrink Note will address addictions as a form of intimacy leak.) While embarrassing for some, it is one of the first things that couples need to address if they are going to fix this intimacy leak. Again, if the practice detracts from sexual intimacy in a relationship, it is an intimacy leak.
The Porn Connection
Pornography has been around for a long time (for this note I will define pornography as any type of media - written, pictorial, auditory, etc. - that is meant primarily to stimulate sexual desire). In fact there are hieroglyphics[VC2] depicting sexual scenes. As long as man has put pen to paper, there have been salacious stories and accounts of stimulating scenes. Since the invention of photography and subsequently video, pornography has grown into a several billion-dollar industry. With the advent of the Internet, the porn business continues to grow exponentially. The New York Times Magazine ran a cover story on May 18, 2001 called "Naked Capitalists: There's No Business Like Porn Business." Its thesis: Pornography is big business--with $10 to $14 billion in annual sales. The author, Frank Rich, suggests that pornography is bigger than any of the major league sports, perhaps bigger than Hollywood. Add to Internet porn the per view movies available on home television, videos available in almost any community, magazines that have been around for decades, and chat rooms or phone sex that are part of the new technology. There is certainly an amazing array of availability.
One other statistic: Peak times on the Internet are slowly changing from the traditional middle of the business day to the very beginning of the business day-where people are checking their e-mails when they first arrive at the office- and 10-11 o'clock at night where speculation is that most of the traffic is from social networking and pornography.
Again, this Neighborhood Shrink Note is not a slam against pornography. It is simply a commentary on the ease and availability of bringing it into your home as well as an ever increasing amount of it. But that is not the problem. As mentioned above, the problem grows when pornography mixed with masturbation progressively (or quickly) interrupts the sexual intimacy of a relationship. It can divert people's sexual interest from being with their partners - a connection that many relationships need to sustain themselves. Granted, some couples watch pornography together. But statistically, there is an increasing amount of porn in the home, an increasing amount of self-satisfaction, which in turn leads to a decrease in sexual interest in the relationship.
There are other overt sexual intimacy leaks that are beyond the scope of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. Strip clubs, prostitutes, massage and lingerie parlors, and phone sex (900 numbers) are just a few of the outside influences that can be very problematic in relationships. But, these are so obvious that most couples often know if they are a problem. Self gratification is not so obvious and is many time denied.
So what about you? Does your partner know about your masturbation practice? Do you prefer self gratification over sexual intimacy? Have you idealized what sex should look like? (statistically pornographic videos use young, beautiful people) On the other hand do you refuse sex? Are you angry with your partner, too pooped to pop, or locked up some how about sex? Does it seem as though your partner has disconnected sexually? If any of the answers to these questions indicate there may be a problem, you should deal with it immediately.
There are also a couple of other things to consider. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to manage after the truth is out there about a man’s masturbation is the woman’s reaction to the man’s practice. Most of the time, though, she is aware of the sexual infrequency, because not having sex is at her insistence. Differences in sexual interest (frequency, freak-quancy, length of the interaction) is a common problem. But, while the masturbation practice is a difficult issue for men (and women) to address, figuring out how to bring sex back to the relationship can be a difficult issue as well.
I have had female clients accuse their male partners of being porn addicts (some are). Yet, the women are completely sexually disinterested. The answer for the men is to step out, or go without sex completely. To really stereotype, women lose interest in sex, and men divert their interests elsewhere, all for a myriad of reasons (although this is admittedly stereotyping, I see it all too often in my practice).
It may be time for a difficult but frank conversation with your partner. Sexual problems within relationships are common. As I have stated with other intimacy leaks, the path of least resistance is what many couples choose. They deal with sexual intimacy problems by ignoring the problem or with sexual diversions outside of the relationship.
There’s a basic principle in human beings that states that we are all about seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. The path of greatest resistance (pain) is opening up a discussion about sex, revealing your honest needs to your partner, and figuring out a way to reestablish what both of you would consider as having an intimate and sexually interesting life together. Both sides need to listen and act! If you have problems with this, your best option is to find a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. If it goes unaddressed, like with other intimacy leaks, cracks begin to grow and the result can be devastating to the relationship.
Sex is a basic human drive. In most cultures there is an expectation that partners satisfy each other sexually. If something has gotten in the way of your sexual intimacy you stand to lose the relationship entirely. Plug this intimacy leak!
The next Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink will address addictions as an intimacy leak.
1The Social Organization of Sexuality (Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels; University of Chicago Press, 1994
2The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus; John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993),
Most healthy young to middle-aged men seek sexual satisfaction relatively frequently. This can be anywhere from a couple of times a day (18 year olds), to several times a week, to a couple of times a month. This is clearly a generalization. However, I rarely find men who do not seek sexual satisfaction for months or years at a time-which is sometimes the frequency of sexual encounters reported in relationships. This is certainly not to say that women don't seek sexual satisfaction – including masturbation - as well.
Masturbation statistics for men and women vary widely. A1994 study by the authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality stated that 63.3% of men ranging in age from 18 to 59 years old masturbated. 41.7% of Women in that same age bracket had solo sex. In a longer study from The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior from 1983 and 1992, 10-38% of women and 25-55% of men involved themselves in masturbation with varying frequency. Over the course of a lifetime, Dr. Alfred Kinsey's studies reported that 92% of men and 62% of women had masturbated at some point.
This Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink is not a condemnation of masturbation. (Masturbation is still taboo in many cultures. Traditionally it is looked down upon. While doing research for this article and attempting to find synonyms online, phrases such as self abuse and self-pollution appeared). Depending on your value system and the overall impact of self gratification on your life, there is most likely nothing inherently wrong with the practice. It's when it begins to impair sexual contact with your mate, becomes the preferred method of sexual satisfaction while you are in a sexual relationship, or develops traits of an addiction that masturbation becomes problematic. (The next Neighborhood Shrink Note will address addictions as a form of intimacy leak.) While embarrassing for some, it is one of the first things that couples need to address if they are going to fix this intimacy leak. Again, if the practice detracts from sexual intimacy in a relationship, it is an intimacy leak.
The Porn Connection
Pornography has been around for a long time (for this note I will define pornography as any type of media - written, pictorial, auditory, etc. - that is meant primarily to stimulate sexual desire). In fact there are hieroglyphics[VC2] depicting sexual scenes. As long as man has put pen to paper, there have been salacious stories and accounts of stimulating scenes. Since the invention of photography and subsequently video, pornography has grown into a several billion-dollar industry. With the advent of the Internet, the porn business continues to grow exponentially. The New York Times Magazine ran a cover story on May 18, 2001 called "Naked Capitalists: There's No Business Like Porn Business." Its thesis: Pornography is big business--with $10 to $14 billion in annual sales. The author, Frank Rich, suggests that pornography is bigger than any of the major league sports, perhaps bigger than Hollywood. Add to Internet porn the per view movies available on home television, videos available in almost any community, magazines that have been around for decades, and chat rooms or phone sex that are part of the new technology. There is certainly an amazing array of availability.
One other statistic: Peak times on the Internet are slowly changing from the traditional middle of the business day to the very beginning of the business day-where people are checking their e-mails when they first arrive at the office- and 10-11 o'clock at night where speculation is that most of the traffic is from social networking and pornography.
Again, this Neighborhood Shrink Note is not a slam against pornography. It is simply a commentary on the ease and availability of bringing it into your home as well as an ever increasing amount of it. But that is not the problem. As mentioned above, the problem grows when pornography mixed with masturbation progressively (or quickly) interrupts the sexual intimacy of a relationship. It can divert people's sexual interest from being with their partners - a connection that many relationships need to sustain themselves. Granted, some couples watch pornography together. But statistically, there is an increasing amount of porn in the home, an increasing amount of self-satisfaction, which in turn leads to a decrease in sexual interest in the relationship.
There are other overt sexual intimacy leaks that are beyond the scope of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. Strip clubs, prostitutes, massage and lingerie parlors, and phone sex (900 numbers) are just a few of the outside influences that can be very problematic in relationships. But, these are so obvious that most couples often know if they are a problem. Self gratification is not so obvious and is many time denied.
So what about you? Does your partner know about your masturbation practice? Do you prefer self gratification over sexual intimacy? Have you idealized what sex should look like? (statistically pornographic videos use young, beautiful people) On the other hand do you refuse sex? Are you angry with your partner, too pooped to pop, or locked up some how about sex? Does it seem as though your partner has disconnected sexually? If any of the answers to these questions indicate there may be a problem, you should deal with it immediately.
There are also a couple of other things to consider. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to manage after the truth is out there about a man’s masturbation is the woman’s reaction to the man’s practice. Most of the time, though, she is aware of the sexual infrequency, because not having sex is at her insistence. Differences in sexual interest (frequency, freak-quancy, length of the interaction) is a common problem. But, while the masturbation practice is a difficult issue for men (and women) to address, figuring out how to bring sex back to the relationship can be a difficult issue as well.
I have had female clients accuse their male partners of being porn addicts (some are). Yet, the women are completely sexually disinterested. The answer for the men is to step out, or go without sex completely. To really stereotype, women lose interest in sex, and men divert their interests elsewhere, all for a myriad of reasons (although this is admittedly stereotyping, I see it all too often in my practice).
It may be time for a difficult but frank conversation with your partner. Sexual problems within relationships are common. As I have stated with other intimacy leaks, the path of least resistance is what many couples choose. They deal with sexual intimacy problems by ignoring the problem or with sexual diversions outside of the relationship.
There’s a basic principle in human beings that states that we are all about seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. The path of greatest resistance (pain) is opening up a discussion about sex, revealing your honest needs to your partner, and figuring out a way to reestablish what both of you would consider as having an intimate and sexually interesting life together. Both sides need to listen and act! If you have problems with this, your best option is to find a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. If it goes unaddressed, like with other intimacy leaks, cracks begin to grow and the result can be devastating to the relationship.
Sex is a basic human drive. In most cultures there is an expectation that partners satisfy each other sexually. If something has gotten in the way of your sexual intimacy you stand to lose the relationship entirely. Plug this intimacy leak!
The next Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink will address addictions as an intimacy leak.
1The Social Organization of Sexuality (Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels; University of Chicago Press, 1994
2The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus; John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993),
