Intimacy Leaks Part One- Office Relationships
How do you define intimacy? For some people intimacy is synonymous with sex. However, on a broader scale intimacy has to do with the emotional closeness in a relationship. Sex many times comes from this closeness-thus being a part of intimacy. The overall emotional closeness you feel with your partner in many ways defines your intimacy.
The purpose of this series of Neighborhood Shrink Notes is to discuss where "leaks" in intimacy lead to broader problems in relationships.
One of the primary relationship complaints I hear from clients is that they no longer feel close to their partner. Over the months or years they have grown emotionally distant, lost any sense of connection, and don't really know how to get it back. Many times they fail to take intimacy leaks into consideration or-more commonly-avoid acknowledging them altogether. As my friend Barney Fife used to say, they fail to "nip it in the bud", and the problems become pervasive. Sometimes-due to the longevity of the leaks-there is nothing left to recover.
Relationships are like a dam. They begin to lose their integrity with small leaks, and eventually catastrophically fail as the leaks hit critical mass. Intimacy leaks can happen in many ways. I define intimacy leaks as a person taking care of relationship business outside of the relationship. I will address several different instances and situations in subsequent parts of this series that illustrate and contribute to intimacy leaks. In this part, I’ll focus on a common source of intimacy leaks – office relationships.
Office Relationships
Currently professionals spend on average 52.5 hours per week on the job. For many, travel with coworkers is also required. The sheer amount of time, the intensity of the environment, and the sense of collaboration with coworkers can be tempting and fertile ground for leaks - especially for those in emotional turmoil in their relationships. What do you think of the following situation?
Tiffany came for therapy complaining of feeling emotionally disconnected from her husband, a loss of sexual attraction for him, and an increase in her time at work. She stated that her marriage was conflicted for some time and that neither she nor her husband had the time to deal with it. She also described a relationship with a man at the office (Derek) who she called her "office husband". She and Derek spent a significant amount of time together, shared meals together late into the work day, and were suspected by many of her coworkers of having an extramarital affair. She found herself thinking about him away from the office and did not tell her husband many of the details of their relationship. While she denied any sexual contact she did admit to exchanging a significant amount of intimate information with him. He was also "unhappily married" and they seemed to gain a great bond from commiserating with each other. (Commiserating with somebody else about your relationship-especially a member of the opposite sex- is a huge red flag. See the end of this series for a full list of tell-tale signs). Her reason for coming to therapy was that she was committed to her marriage and believed that her office relationship went against her values. As you will see, she came too late.
Tiffany described herself as having an “emotional affair”. What do you think of this situation? An "emotional affair" clearly constitutes an intimacy leak, as she is taking relationship business (the problems between her and her husband) and attempting to solve them outside of the marriage. Does it also constitute infidelity? (This question will become even more important as we look at relationships established on the Internet and through texting in the next part of this Neighborhood Shrink Note series). If her marriage was going to work, she clearly needed to begin focusing on solving these problems with her husband. Her reasons for not doing so vary from "he won't talk about it", to "we don't have time". Yet dealing with these issues in her current way is breaking the marriage apart.
Many couples either discuss or imply what the boundaries of their relationship are. For most couples monogamy is expected (in other words, an expectation that sex happens exclusively within the relationship). Other boundaries include discussing the relationship business between each other (especially problem-solving and conflict resolution) and parenting. The intent is to keep the couple connected by being involved in each other's lives at an intimate level. It is the difference between being lovers and roommates. (For many marriages, these roles appear to be interchangeable).
Tiffany knew her office relationship was problematic. She realized that it went against her values but the excitement and novelty were very compelling. Conversations were flirtatious, full of sexual innuendo, and she felt understood and listened to by Derek- something that was very much missing from her marriage.
Do you see the leak here? Not only was she discussing the problems in her marriage with another man, she allowed herself to be in a provocative situation that was very difficult to withdraw from. She said she couldn't help herself, when the truth is she wouldn't help herself. It wasn’t sexual, but it was destructive none the less.
One of the best rules of thumb to determine if you are dealing with an intimacy leak is to ask yourself if you would be comfortable telling your partner everything about it? If the answer is, "no", you're in trouble. It's not that partners should know everything about each other. It's that this situation was destroying what was left of Tiffany's marriage-which soon ended. Her husband found out about her office antics and demanded that she no longer associate with him. When she did not break it off, she and her husband split up. After her divorce, her relationship with Derek fizzled as well.
It’s easy to ask what her husband did or did not do to contribute to her need to associate with Derek. But as I have mentioned over and over again, this was about individual integrity. If her marriage ever stood a chance, the problems needed to be addressed long ago. This leak ended in catastrophic failure. It is easy to assume that there were other problems in the marriage, but Tiffany needed to be more responsible with her own emotions. She took the path of most pleasure and least resistance, which is often times the road to ruin. She ended up with no one, feeling very alone. She tried going back to her husband but there was nothing left.
One more thing: intimacy leaks are not necessarily defined by your intent. They are sometimes defined by how they are perceived by your partner. You may have an "office spouse" and feel that it is a nonthreatening relationship. However if your partner is challenged by it and you fail to give them details because you do not appreciate their reaction there’s a problem. It's an intimacy leak nonetheless because there are trust issues involved, and it will cause emotional distancing.
So what about you? How close are you feeling to your mate and are there any intimacy leak's happening in your life. Is there anything you do that threatens the trust and overall connection to your partner? See the next few Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink to understand other intimacy leaks that will contribute to weakening the foundation of your relationship.
The purpose of this series of Neighborhood Shrink Notes is to discuss where "leaks" in intimacy lead to broader problems in relationships.
One of the primary relationship complaints I hear from clients is that they no longer feel close to their partner. Over the months or years they have grown emotionally distant, lost any sense of connection, and don't really know how to get it back. Many times they fail to take intimacy leaks into consideration or-more commonly-avoid acknowledging them altogether. As my friend Barney Fife used to say, they fail to "nip it in the bud", and the problems become pervasive. Sometimes-due to the longevity of the leaks-there is nothing left to recover.
Relationships are like a dam. They begin to lose their integrity with small leaks, and eventually catastrophically fail as the leaks hit critical mass. Intimacy leaks can happen in many ways. I define intimacy leaks as a person taking care of relationship business outside of the relationship. I will address several different instances and situations in subsequent parts of this series that illustrate and contribute to intimacy leaks. In this part, I’ll focus on a common source of intimacy leaks – office relationships.
Office Relationships
Currently professionals spend on average 52.5 hours per week on the job. For many, travel with coworkers is also required. The sheer amount of time, the intensity of the environment, and the sense of collaboration with coworkers can be tempting and fertile ground for leaks - especially for those in emotional turmoil in their relationships. What do you think of the following situation?
Tiffany came for therapy complaining of feeling emotionally disconnected from her husband, a loss of sexual attraction for him, and an increase in her time at work. She stated that her marriage was conflicted for some time and that neither she nor her husband had the time to deal with it. She also described a relationship with a man at the office (Derek) who she called her "office husband". She and Derek spent a significant amount of time together, shared meals together late into the work day, and were suspected by many of her coworkers of having an extramarital affair. She found herself thinking about him away from the office and did not tell her husband many of the details of their relationship. While she denied any sexual contact she did admit to exchanging a significant amount of intimate information with him. He was also "unhappily married" and they seemed to gain a great bond from commiserating with each other. (Commiserating with somebody else about your relationship-especially a member of the opposite sex- is a huge red flag. See the end of this series for a full list of tell-tale signs). Her reason for coming to therapy was that she was committed to her marriage and believed that her office relationship went against her values. As you will see, she came too late.
Tiffany described herself as having an “emotional affair”. What do you think of this situation? An "emotional affair" clearly constitutes an intimacy leak, as she is taking relationship business (the problems between her and her husband) and attempting to solve them outside of the marriage. Does it also constitute infidelity? (This question will become even more important as we look at relationships established on the Internet and through texting in the next part of this Neighborhood Shrink Note series). If her marriage was going to work, she clearly needed to begin focusing on solving these problems with her husband. Her reasons for not doing so vary from "he won't talk about it", to "we don't have time". Yet dealing with these issues in her current way is breaking the marriage apart.
Many couples either discuss or imply what the boundaries of their relationship are. For most couples monogamy is expected (in other words, an expectation that sex happens exclusively within the relationship). Other boundaries include discussing the relationship business between each other (especially problem-solving and conflict resolution) and parenting. The intent is to keep the couple connected by being involved in each other's lives at an intimate level. It is the difference between being lovers and roommates. (For many marriages, these roles appear to be interchangeable).
Tiffany knew her office relationship was problematic. She realized that it went against her values but the excitement and novelty were very compelling. Conversations were flirtatious, full of sexual innuendo, and she felt understood and listened to by Derek- something that was very much missing from her marriage.
Do you see the leak here? Not only was she discussing the problems in her marriage with another man, she allowed herself to be in a provocative situation that was very difficult to withdraw from. She said she couldn't help herself, when the truth is she wouldn't help herself. It wasn’t sexual, but it was destructive none the less.
One of the best rules of thumb to determine if you are dealing with an intimacy leak is to ask yourself if you would be comfortable telling your partner everything about it? If the answer is, "no", you're in trouble. It's not that partners should know everything about each other. It's that this situation was destroying what was left of Tiffany's marriage-which soon ended. Her husband found out about her office antics and demanded that she no longer associate with him. When she did not break it off, she and her husband split up. After her divorce, her relationship with Derek fizzled as well.
It’s easy to ask what her husband did or did not do to contribute to her need to associate with Derek. But as I have mentioned over and over again, this was about individual integrity. If her marriage ever stood a chance, the problems needed to be addressed long ago. This leak ended in catastrophic failure. It is easy to assume that there were other problems in the marriage, but Tiffany needed to be more responsible with her own emotions. She took the path of most pleasure and least resistance, which is often times the road to ruin. She ended up with no one, feeling very alone. She tried going back to her husband but there was nothing left.
One more thing: intimacy leaks are not necessarily defined by your intent. They are sometimes defined by how they are perceived by your partner. You may have an "office spouse" and feel that it is a nonthreatening relationship. However if your partner is challenged by it and you fail to give them details because you do not appreciate their reaction there’s a problem. It's an intimacy leak nonetheless because there are trust issues involved, and it will cause emotional distancing.
So what about you? How close are you feeling to your mate and are there any intimacy leak's happening in your life. Is there anything you do that threatens the trust and overall connection to your partner? See the next few Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink to understand other intimacy leaks that will contribute to weakening the foundation of your relationship.
