Intimacy Leaks Part Four: Addictions
This series of Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink has been dealing with intimacy leaks. Addiction is certainly one of them. People involved in addiction have developed a new love and commitment outside of their relationship. It can be drugs or alcohol, pornography, Internet, shopping/spending, religion, infatuation, sex, eating, or dozens of other things that lead us away from intimacy and our relationships. I have not developed a comprehensive list of addictions. Read these examples over and then take a look at your own life to see if you are stuck on one of these or perhaps something else.
Addiction is in the media a lot these days. Celebrities are being treated for it, shows like TMZ exploit it, and even your friends and neighbors are more open about what they're going through. It comes in many forms. Traditionally addiction was about substance abuse and dependence. However, when you look at addiction dynamically, it overlays into many aspects of our lives. I define addiction has any activity that is habitual-people have problems quitting, causes psychosocial setbacks in our lives (financial, interpersonal, vocational, social, etc.), or is compensatory in nature- it compensates for anger, depression, stress. These behaviors lead us to avoid dealing with situations including relationship problems which is why I define it as an intimacy leak.
Drugs and Alcohol
Drugs and alcohol are the most traditional addiction. They can contribute to relational problems in several ways. First, there is a very strong correlation between anger and alcohol. Most of us know those who-after drinking-become “six-foot tall and bulletproof”. Most of them have an underlying tension about them, and as soon as they began to drink they lose any sense of inhibition, become belligerent and very difficult to deal with. Imagine what it is like to have someone like this in a relationship. Over the course of time their anger decreases but it is usually because their brains become so pickled from the alcohol. They lose functioning cognitively, physically, and sexually. Few of these people show up in treatment because they are too insecure. They would rather take a beating than look behind those closed doors and resolve what they are so angry about.
Secondly are the more depressive or anxious types of drug and alcohol users. Their addiction takes them into-and leads them out of- the darkness. When they get stressed they drink or drug. And, they are usually stressed. Intimacy is difficult with them because they are always under the influence and their brains are disengaged. Attempting to discuss intimacy leads to conflict or pity parties, and certainly more stress for them. At the beginning these relationships may be fun and dynamic. However, slowly their veneer begins to peel and their anger or depression comes out. Frequently addictive types are able to find mates to enable them. This means that they not only drink together, but no matter the behavior their partner stays with them (usually with the intent to "fix" them). They rarely deal with relationship problems because the least common denominator every day is alcohol or drugs-a topic that they never get serious about. Intimacy is difficult. They may be sexual at times but eventually their partner tires of their addiction and they become emotionally distant. That, or the drugs and alcohol are ever present and communication, sex, and problem-solving are impossible.
Less Traditional Addictions
Spending
Spending more often is a compensatory behavior. Jokingly many of my clients call shopping "retail therapy". Most of them report a good buzz after going to the mall, shopping before and finding a new outfit, and take pleasure in wearing it at the next appropriate occasion. Nothing wrong with this, right? Clearly buying things for our creature comfort, for our basic needs (food, etc.), and even spending disposable income on things that please us is common in our culture. Spending becomes an intimacy leak and takes on addictive traits when people can't control that, go into debt, or consistently are in conflict with their partners about how much they spend. Most of the time and relationships there will be one person who is more conservative about money and one person who is more free-flowing. But, compensatory spending comes from emotional need. It is habitual. People feel badly about themselves, their lives, their relationships, and buy things for brief relief. There is an assumption that most spending addicts are women-who spend time in the stores buying things that end up in their closet with the tags still attached. For men it can be more about larger items, collections, tools, or things needed for their "hobbies". They may spend more time and home-improvement centers or online researching where they will buy the next thing. Nonetheless, it is compensatory, it leads to debt, and it is avoidance of dealing with other issues which in their relationships. Is this you?
Internet Addiction
Internet addiction is one of the fastest-growing types of addictions and the mental health field. The new treatment protocols are being developed because of this potentially enormous problem. The seduction of the Internet is not completely understood. However, there are many components that have been discussed in this series which lead to intimacy leaks including avoidance of dealing with everyday problems, connecting to others online-outside of a relationship- in order to establish intimacy, getting sexual gratification from pornography, and seeking other types of pleasure (online gaming) instead of spending time with partners or family. It makes sense that this is growing so quickly because of a ever-increasing amount of technology and availability. However, the impact is slow to be made public. In therapy its impact is evident. As mentioned in other Neighborhood Shrink Notes, people spend inordinate amounts of time online chatting, tweeting, texting, sexting, and "surfing". There are ongoing complaints of people who spend 6, 8, 12 hours a day with online gaming. There are reports of people who-after dinner-retreat to their computer and spend countless hours on Myspace, Facebook, and in chat rooms until it's time for bed. I recently saw a couple where the husband was spending 12-14 hours a day gaming online. He was incredibly angry with his wife, but was also conflict avoidant.
Eating
Eating can be another compensatory behavior. Many people do it for comfort, out of habit, and are unconscious about what they're doing. Obesity is getting to epidemic proportions in the United States. Billions of dollars are spent every year on diet programs, weight loss drugs, and therapy. However, they do not always treat eating as an addiction. They view it as just needing more willpower and some low-fat food in the refrigerator. It is an intimacy leak because many of my clients report feeling poorly about what's happening in their marriage or relationship and simply eating something to avoid it. I have also had several women clients (I would assume that men do this as well) tell me that they have gained and maintain an unhealthy amount of weight in order to avoid intimacy because they feel so poorly about themselves or their relationships. They are conflicted about sex and physical intimacy. Instead of dealing directly with the problem, they divert into eating.
Anger
Okay, this may be stretching it a bit. But there appear to be people who have an anger addiction. What I mean by this is they know that it is a habitual problem, it has had numerous psychosocial consequences (arguments, friendship failure, sometimes legal problems), they fail to get help for it, and it really gets in the way of intimacy and their relationships. You can usually see it with them. They walk around with a scowl on their face. No one gets close to an anger addict because they're always pissed off. Many times the basis of their personality is insecurity. They don't know how to deal with people at an intimate level (they often think they might get taken advantage of) so they keep them away with their anger. Many times there are also underlying family of origin issues that have not been dealt with. Nonetheless it is a behavior that causes intimacy problems and can lead to violence when it gets out of control.
Religion
I want to tread lightly here. I have such undying faith in my and others' faith. I strongly believe in the power of a being greater than ourselves-however you define that. Religion becomes an addiction when it is used as an excuse to avoid relationship responsibilities and intimacy. For some people it becomes a preoccupation and the psychosocial disturbance is enormous. Instead of attempting to connect with others, religious addicts proselytize to others. They stand behind what they claim to be the Word of God and fail to accept, relate to, and enjoy all of us imperfect human beings here on Earth. Sometimes if you attempt to engage them in intimate conversation their response begins with "God said", "or the scripture reads"… There is nothing wrong with living by your faith and even teaching it to others. Most people report a higher quality of life if they subscribe to their faith. As with so many of the other issues mentioned in this Neighborhood Shrink Note, you will need to decide where the line is between being a faithful practitioner of your religion and where your zealousness becomes an intimacy leak.
Gambling
Gambling is one of those addictions that people are in great denial about. It is somewhat easy to define simply by looking at the time that is spent participating in it, and even more accurately, the amount of money that people have lost. Most obvious gambling is done online, at the casino, or with bookies around the sports season. I know cops, attorneys, accountants, and grandmothers who have lost thousands of dollars at one time. They consistently tell themselves they will make it up next time. The problem is that sometimes they do. But the next week or the next month they lose big again, and become preoccupied with the thrill of the bet and with overcoming their losses. Gambling is encouraged in our culture. In many metropolitan areas we are tested and tempted by billboards claiming we can when millions of dollars through the lottery, ostensibly to help education. The preoccupation and they worrying over debt become an intimacy leak. Many times the spouses and partners of gamblers know that they do it, but the ones leading towards addiction are very secretive about it and rarely speak about their losses.
Is it a problem?
One of the ways is to determine if any of these are a problem is for you to stop doing it. This is a challenge I often offer in therapy. If it is not a habit (addiction) then quit for a while! Quit for a month. Quit for six months. If that seems unreasonable, decrease your frequency or intensity around these behaviors and see if you can maintain that lower-level for six months. Take that time and improve your relationship, reconnect with your partner, get some exercise, or focus on improving your finances. If your response is, "I could quit if I wanted to but I just don't want to", you may have a problem. The inability to quit-or to need more- are some of the symptoms of the addictive process.
Another indicator is if your partner is complaining about your behavior. The people closest to you know you the best. If your partner, family, friends, or anyone else has made remarks about your behavior, it may be time to look in the mirror and ask yourself if it's a problem. It is your behavior causing an intimacy leak? Is it detracting from your relationship? At some level do you really know that it's a problem but you are avoiding it? The oldest line in recovery is, "I'll quit tomorrow".
Another simple way to gauge it is by looking at your checkbook or credit card bill. How much money have you spent on alcohol (drugs probably won't be in your checkbook), compulsive spending-hint: look at the Macy's, Home Depot, sports store, etc.bill- tithing to your church, or other excessive financial impact that your behavior may have had. Financial problems in and of themselves are intimacy leaks simply because it creates great distress with in relationships usually resulting in emotional distance if they are not resolved.
Addiction is a complicated circumstance. The treatment and solution are beyond the scope of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. If you have identified your self or a loved one as having difficulties, get help now. Most metropolitan areas have community mental health centers, social service clearinghouses (call your local suicide hot line- they often have information about these), and 12-step programs. You might also at check with your church, ask friends if they know any resources, or get in touch with the Mental Health/Substance Abuse phone number on the back of your medical insurance card.
Addiction is in the media a lot these days. Celebrities are being treated for it, shows like TMZ exploit it, and even your friends and neighbors are more open about what they're going through. It comes in many forms. Traditionally addiction was about substance abuse and dependence. However, when you look at addiction dynamically, it overlays into many aspects of our lives. I define addiction has any activity that is habitual-people have problems quitting, causes psychosocial setbacks in our lives (financial, interpersonal, vocational, social, etc.), or is compensatory in nature- it compensates for anger, depression, stress. These behaviors lead us to avoid dealing with situations including relationship problems which is why I define it as an intimacy leak.
Drugs and Alcohol
Drugs and alcohol are the most traditional addiction. They can contribute to relational problems in several ways. First, there is a very strong correlation between anger and alcohol. Most of us know those who-after drinking-become “six-foot tall and bulletproof”. Most of them have an underlying tension about them, and as soon as they began to drink they lose any sense of inhibition, become belligerent and very difficult to deal with. Imagine what it is like to have someone like this in a relationship. Over the course of time their anger decreases but it is usually because their brains become so pickled from the alcohol. They lose functioning cognitively, physically, and sexually. Few of these people show up in treatment because they are too insecure. They would rather take a beating than look behind those closed doors and resolve what they are so angry about.
Secondly are the more depressive or anxious types of drug and alcohol users. Their addiction takes them into-and leads them out of- the darkness. When they get stressed they drink or drug. And, they are usually stressed. Intimacy is difficult with them because they are always under the influence and their brains are disengaged. Attempting to discuss intimacy leads to conflict or pity parties, and certainly more stress for them. At the beginning these relationships may be fun and dynamic. However, slowly their veneer begins to peel and their anger or depression comes out. Frequently addictive types are able to find mates to enable them. This means that they not only drink together, but no matter the behavior their partner stays with them (usually with the intent to "fix" them). They rarely deal with relationship problems because the least common denominator every day is alcohol or drugs-a topic that they never get serious about. Intimacy is difficult. They may be sexual at times but eventually their partner tires of their addiction and they become emotionally distant. That, or the drugs and alcohol are ever present and communication, sex, and problem-solving are impossible.
Less Traditional Addictions
Spending
Spending more often is a compensatory behavior. Jokingly many of my clients call shopping "retail therapy". Most of them report a good buzz after going to the mall, shopping before and finding a new outfit, and take pleasure in wearing it at the next appropriate occasion. Nothing wrong with this, right? Clearly buying things for our creature comfort, for our basic needs (food, etc.), and even spending disposable income on things that please us is common in our culture. Spending becomes an intimacy leak and takes on addictive traits when people can't control that, go into debt, or consistently are in conflict with their partners about how much they spend. Most of the time and relationships there will be one person who is more conservative about money and one person who is more free-flowing. But, compensatory spending comes from emotional need. It is habitual. People feel badly about themselves, their lives, their relationships, and buy things for brief relief. There is an assumption that most spending addicts are women-who spend time in the stores buying things that end up in their closet with the tags still attached. For men it can be more about larger items, collections, tools, or things needed for their "hobbies". They may spend more time and home-improvement centers or online researching where they will buy the next thing. Nonetheless, it is compensatory, it leads to debt, and it is avoidance of dealing with other issues which in their relationships. Is this you?
Internet Addiction
Internet addiction is one of the fastest-growing types of addictions and the mental health field. The new treatment protocols are being developed because of this potentially enormous problem. The seduction of the Internet is not completely understood. However, there are many components that have been discussed in this series which lead to intimacy leaks including avoidance of dealing with everyday problems, connecting to others online-outside of a relationship- in order to establish intimacy, getting sexual gratification from pornography, and seeking other types of pleasure (online gaming) instead of spending time with partners or family. It makes sense that this is growing so quickly because of a ever-increasing amount of technology and availability. However, the impact is slow to be made public. In therapy its impact is evident. As mentioned in other Neighborhood Shrink Notes, people spend inordinate amounts of time online chatting, tweeting, texting, sexting, and "surfing". There are ongoing complaints of people who spend 6, 8, 12 hours a day with online gaming. There are reports of people who-after dinner-retreat to their computer and spend countless hours on Myspace, Facebook, and in chat rooms until it's time for bed. I recently saw a couple where the husband was spending 12-14 hours a day gaming online. He was incredibly angry with his wife, but was also conflict avoidant.
Eating
Eating can be another compensatory behavior. Many people do it for comfort, out of habit, and are unconscious about what they're doing. Obesity is getting to epidemic proportions in the United States. Billions of dollars are spent every year on diet programs, weight loss drugs, and therapy. However, they do not always treat eating as an addiction. They view it as just needing more willpower and some low-fat food in the refrigerator. It is an intimacy leak because many of my clients report feeling poorly about what's happening in their marriage or relationship and simply eating something to avoid it. I have also had several women clients (I would assume that men do this as well) tell me that they have gained and maintain an unhealthy amount of weight in order to avoid intimacy because they feel so poorly about themselves or their relationships. They are conflicted about sex and physical intimacy. Instead of dealing directly with the problem, they divert into eating.
Anger
Okay, this may be stretching it a bit. But there appear to be people who have an anger addiction. What I mean by this is they know that it is a habitual problem, it has had numerous psychosocial consequences (arguments, friendship failure, sometimes legal problems), they fail to get help for it, and it really gets in the way of intimacy and their relationships. You can usually see it with them. They walk around with a scowl on their face. No one gets close to an anger addict because they're always pissed off. Many times the basis of their personality is insecurity. They don't know how to deal with people at an intimate level (they often think they might get taken advantage of) so they keep them away with their anger. Many times there are also underlying family of origin issues that have not been dealt with. Nonetheless it is a behavior that causes intimacy problems and can lead to violence when it gets out of control.
Religion
I want to tread lightly here. I have such undying faith in my and others' faith. I strongly believe in the power of a being greater than ourselves-however you define that. Religion becomes an addiction when it is used as an excuse to avoid relationship responsibilities and intimacy. For some people it becomes a preoccupation and the psychosocial disturbance is enormous. Instead of attempting to connect with others, religious addicts proselytize to others. They stand behind what they claim to be the Word of God and fail to accept, relate to, and enjoy all of us imperfect human beings here on Earth. Sometimes if you attempt to engage them in intimate conversation their response begins with "God said", "or the scripture reads"… There is nothing wrong with living by your faith and even teaching it to others. Most people report a higher quality of life if they subscribe to their faith. As with so many of the other issues mentioned in this Neighborhood Shrink Note, you will need to decide where the line is between being a faithful practitioner of your religion and where your zealousness becomes an intimacy leak.
Gambling
Gambling is one of those addictions that people are in great denial about. It is somewhat easy to define simply by looking at the time that is spent participating in it, and even more accurately, the amount of money that people have lost. Most obvious gambling is done online, at the casino, or with bookies around the sports season. I know cops, attorneys, accountants, and grandmothers who have lost thousands of dollars at one time. They consistently tell themselves they will make it up next time. The problem is that sometimes they do. But the next week or the next month they lose big again, and become preoccupied with the thrill of the bet and with overcoming their losses. Gambling is encouraged in our culture. In many metropolitan areas we are tested and tempted by billboards claiming we can when millions of dollars through the lottery, ostensibly to help education. The preoccupation and they worrying over debt become an intimacy leak. Many times the spouses and partners of gamblers know that they do it, but the ones leading towards addiction are very secretive about it and rarely speak about their losses.
Is it a problem?
One of the ways is to determine if any of these are a problem is for you to stop doing it. This is a challenge I often offer in therapy. If it is not a habit (addiction) then quit for a while! Quit for a month. Quit for six months. If that seems unreasonable, decrease your frequency or intensity around these behaviors and see if you can maintain that lower-level for six months. Take that time and improve your relationship, reconnect with your partner, get some exercise, or focus on improving your finances. If your response is, "I could quit if I wanted to but I just don't want to", you may have a problem. The inability to quit-or to need more- are some of the symptoms of the addictive process.
Another indicator is if your partner is complaining about your behavior. The people closest to you know you the best. If your partner, family, friends, or anyone else has made remarks about your behavior, it may be time to look in the mirror and ask yourself if it's a problem. It is your behavior causing an intimacy leak? Is it detracting from your relationship? At some level do you really know that it's a problem but you are avoiding it? The oldest line in recovery is, "I'll quit tomorrow".
Another simple way to gauge it is by looking at your checkbook or credit card bill. How much money have you spent on alcohol (drugs probably won't be in your checkbook), compulsive spending-hint: look at the Macy's, Home Depot, sports store, etc.bill- tithing to your church, or other excessive financial impact that your behavior may have had. Financial problems in and of themselves are intimacy leaks simply because it creates great distress with in relationships usually resulting in emotional distance if they are not resolved.
Addiction is a complicated circumstance. The treatment and solution are beyond the scope of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. If you have identified your self or a loved one as having difficulties, get help now. Most metropolitan areas have community mental health centers, social service clearinghouses (call your local suicide hot line- they often have information about these), and 12-step programs. You might also at check with your church, ask friends if they know any resources, or get in touch with the Mental Health/Substance Abuse phone number on the back of your medical insurance card.
