Friends with Benefits.
The concept of “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) (two people having a sexual relationship with little or no emotional attachment) became rather chic several years ago. The idea was that two people could have casual sex on a whim, as frequently as they want to, and have no emotional attachment to each other. I suppose the idea has been around monogamous relationships started, but has come to the forefront and more publicized in our culture with its snazzy title.
Becky, a client of mine, has been seeking a meaningful relationship for a long time but has been unable to find one. She considers herself to be of average looks and intelligence. She reports a large circle of friends and feels relatively connected to her family. However, there is an underlying sense of insecurity in her. It shows an her need to "always" please others, her lack of assertiveness at work, and the propensity to put others needs in front of her own. There have been several occasions where Becky will be at a social gathering, meet somebody, and either sleep with them that night or at a subsequent meeting. After their initial sexual interlude they determine together that they will just have a FWB relationship implying that there will be no emotional attachment, but that they can have sex when they both feel like it. On the surface it looks pretty good….at least, for the guy.
Upon closer examination (and therapy) Becky would really prefer to have a more meaningful relationship with the guys she sleeps with. However, they are uninterested. She tells me that they prefer to keep their options open and that they are not ready for a committed relationship. However, on two different occasions, men that she has been involved with, while they were participating in the friends with benefits relationship with her, got involved with someone else seriously and stop seeing her
This underlying wish for a more fulfilling relationship is fairly typical. As a matter of fact, I have not seen an exception. In an FWB relationship, one person most often is truly interested in a purely sexual relationship. However, inevitably, the other person will participate in a the sexual part because it's better than nothing. At some level they would really like the relationship to intensify and to become a more meaningful or committed, but the other person is usually unwilling. So, in their thinking, at least they get to be with their love interest part time. They know if they push too hard for something more than sex, their lover may stop seeing them.
There are several reasons why people choose to participate in relationships like this. Obviously for the person who is not interested in an emotional relationship it's all about sex. But for the person who is secretly interested in the intimacy part, two different things might be going on. They may have a very distorted vision of love. They may mistake sex for love or intimacy. Or, they may tell themselves that the person they are having sex with really likes them but just can't say so. Perhaps they tell themselves that if they keep having sex their lover will eventually change their mind and engage in a more meaningful relationship. Most of the time this thinking is distorted as it rarely comes true. Lastly, as mentioned above, many times people are lacking in ego-strength (some people call this self-esteem). They are unable to ask for what they want, they are unwilling to hold out for relationships that have more meaning for themselves and withhold sex until they get it, and they subordinate their needs to the needs of their lover.
It is fairly evident that we are built for intimacy. Most of us have the need to be intimately connected to others. It is a reality! But be careful with what you do with it and how it affects you..
Becky has ended up being hurt on several occasions. She is now starting to take a look at her insecurity, her unwillingness to demand a more meaningful relationship before she has sex, and her lack of ego strength that allows her to participate in a better-than-nothing relationship. One of the first things she discovered was a real paradox. She is afraid to get close to others because they may leave or hurt her. So, she involves herself sexually with emotionally distant men who will never connect. Yet what she really wants is a connected and meaningful relationship.
Becky, a client of mine, has been seeking a meaningful relationship for a long time but has been unable to find one. She considers herself to be of average looks and intelligence. She reports a large circle of friends and feels relatively connected to her family. However, there is an underlying sense of insecurity in her. It shows an her need to "always" please others, her lack of assertiveness at work, and the propensity to put others needs in front of her own. There have been several occasions where Becky will be at a social gathering, meet somebody, and either sleep with them that night or at a subsequent meeting. After their initial sexual interlude they determine together that they will just have a FWB relationship implying that there will be no emotional attachment, but that they can have sex when they both feel like it. On the surface it looks pretty good….at least, for the guy.
Upon closer examination (and therapy) Becky would really prefer to have a more meaningful relationship with the guys she sleeps with. However, they are uninterested. She tells me that they prefer to keep their options open and that they are not ready for a committed relationship. However, on two different occasions, men that she has been involved with, while they were participating in the friends with benefits relationship with her, got involved with someone else seriously and stop seeing her
This underlying wish for a more fulfilling relationship is fairly typical. As a matter of fact, I have not seen an exception. In an FWB relationship, one person most often is truly interested in a purely sexual relationship. However, inevitably, the other person will participate in a the sexual part because it's better than nothing. At some level they would really like the relationship to intensify and to become a more meaningful or committed, but the other person is usually unwilling. So, in their thinking, at least they get to be with their love interest part time. They know if they push too hard for something more than sex, their lover may stop seeing them.
There are several reasons why people choose to participate in relationships like this. Obviously for the person who is not interested in an emotional relationship it's all about sex. But for the person who is secretly interested in the intimacy part, two different things might be going on. They may have a very distorted vision of love. They may mistake sex for love or intimacy. Or, they may tell themselves that the person they are having sex with really likes them but just can't say so. Perhaps they tell themselves that if they keep having sex their lover will eventually change their mind and engage in a more meaningful relationship. Most of the time this thinking is distorted as it rarely comes true. Lastly, as mentioned above, many times people are lacking in ego-strength (some people call this self-esteem). They are unable to ask for what they want, they are unwilling to hold out for relationships that have more meaning for themselves and withhold sex until they get it, and they subordinate their needs to the needs of their lover.
It is fairly evident that we are built for intimacy. Most of us have the need to be intimately connected to others. It is a reality! But be careful with what you do with it and how it affects you..
Becky has ended up being hurt on several occasions. She is now starting to take a look at her insecurity, her unwillingness to demand a more meaningful relationship before she has sex, and her lack of ego strength that allows her to participate in a better-than-nothing relationship. One of the first things she discovered was a real paradox. She is afraid to get close to others because they may leave or hurt her. So, she involves herself sexually with emotionally distant men who will never connect. Yet what she really wants is a connected and meaningful relationship.