Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship. The Third corner: Trust (and Forgiveness)
Like the other cornerstones, trust involves giving and receiving. And-like the other ones-it also requires the capacity to reestablish it when it is broken. Receiving trust is being free to be who you are in a relationship without feeling threatened by being in the relationship. Giving trust requires the ability to let others in emotionally. Trust involves exhibiting trustworthy behavior as well as making yourself vulnerable to your partner -which translates to how deeply you will participate in the relationship.
At some level we must all decide how deeply we are going to trust our mate. You have seen this. If somebody gets hurt in a relationship they push away. They decrease their vulnerability. If the trust too shallow, the bond is week, and the relationship will fail. You have probably also felt the vulnerability of trusting someone which in turn gives them the ability to hurt you. You stay in the relationship because you trust them. It is this cornerstone that most often gets broken as the relationship falters. Trust comes in many forms. It is not only that you must rely on your partner to not transfer their affection to someone else (have an affair). Trust involves such simple things as doing what you say you're going to do, telling the (sometimes painful) truth, showing up on time, and being supportive (listening) of your mate. It also means being emotionally trustworthy by not blowing up with anger, running away from conflict, and keeping your relationship as a high priority.
Are you trustworthy? Is your word any good? Are you "all in" in your relationship? Uncle Sigmund (Freud) talked about something called "original pain". He primarily referred to childhood issues, but I think we can experience it at any point in our lives. Most of us-over the age of 20 years old-have been deeply hurt by something (a loss) or someone. Physical emotional or sexual abuse, the death of a parent or someone close, a controlling parent, a parents divorce, the painful breakup of a meaningful relationship, and addiction in families are just some of the issues that contribute to original pain. The premise is that after we are hurt we make an emotional rule. We say to ourselves, "I will never let anybody get close enough to hurt me like that again." Essentially we tell ourselves that we can never trust again. We then go about building an emotional wall and make varying attempts to keep people out. If it feels like somebody is getting too close, we will push them away. If somebody gets too far away we will pull them back because we don't want them to hurt us by leaving. It's the go-away-come-closer approach.
The wall is actually healthy. Sigmund called it an ego defense. We all need some boundaries in our life. We all need to know where our emotional safety is. But do you also see that it can be very problematic in establishing deep intimacy in a relationship? If I don't trust you how will I let you in? If I don't let you in how do you and I actually have a meaningful relationship? Superficial relationships are everywhere but they don't last because the bond is missing.
The paradox of the whole thing is that the lack of trust can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't want to get hurt but I do want to have a meaningful relationship. So I start one with you and things are going along fine. Eventually, I fear you getting too close to me so I push you away-ostensibly because I don't want you to get so close that you hurt me. But, I push you so far away that you leave. I can then conclude to myself once again that I should trust nobody because I "always" get hurt…. and the cycle continues.
Another level of trust is in real-time. You may be in a relationship with someone who has hurt you. They may have cheated or lied or done something else agree just enough that it affects your ability trust them. What are you going to do? How are you going to let them back in? Are you just going to leave or are you going to have a mediocre relationship because you need to keep them at a distance?
Maybe this will help. First and foremost your partner needs to be able to acknowledge that they have hurt you. If they deny it, it is a difference of opinion, and most likely will not be resolved. Once they have acknowledged the incident, they need to be willing to earn your trust again. This is one of the hardest parts. Because in order to gain your trust again you must forgive them.
The following is an extreme example. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen that have been involved in extramarital or extra relational affairs. But the dialogue is usually the same. The person who cheated admits that they did it, but after a few days or weeks they just want the whole thing to go away. They want to stay in the relationship but they don't want to deal with the remainder of the trust issues. The person who is cheated on has great difficulty letting it go (understandably). What I ask the person who is cheated on to do is to describe specifically what the cheater can do to reestablish trust. This can be anything from allowing them access to cell phone and e-mail accounts to checking in on a day-to-day basis. The specific activities will be up to the person who was cheated on. They began to realize that time (and a good behavior) is really the only thing that will re-establish the bond. It's about a 50-50 deal. Half of the couples that I work with stay together, and half of them cannot tolerate the stress and break up.
But, given this example can you imagine what it would take to reestablish trust in this situation? We all have a tendency to look at the person who cheated and blame them for the problems in the relationship. However, more often than not, there are real trust issues for them as well. They will give "reasons" why they stepped outside of the relationship. While none of them are good enough for such a value infraction, they do need to be paid attention to if the relationship is going to be reconciled. They will bring up issues such as anger, lack of attention, too much substance abuse, lack of sex, and the loss of their best friend as the reasons for their affair. Again while these are not excuses (in my value system anyway) they do need to be addressed! A cornerstone has two visible sides both of which are equally important in the strength of a relationship.
To re-establish trust both parties need to acknowledge what they have done to contribute to each other's lack of trust. They then need to begin to specify what can be done in order to build it back.
Forgiveness is powerful. If someone does something deceitful in a relationship and are truly sorry for it, they need to make amends, make an apology, and ask for forgiveness. It is up to the person who was hurt to forgive however. If I hurt you, I can acknowledge it, say I am sorry, and genuinely ask you to forgive me. But really, that is all I can do. I can say that I'll make every effort not to do it again, and if you want to I can tell you why I did it, but the bottom line is it is still up to you to forgive me. If you carry a grudge for long enough or continue to bring it up and beat me over the head with what I've done I will have enough and I may leave. It's not that I don't deserve consequences for what I have done. But at some point forgiveness has got to be there. There are several reasons why people fail to forgive and one of the primary ones is that not doing so is a powerful tool. I can continue to hold over your head which you have done. Believe it or not this also interrupts the trust in a relationship as you are always pulling a power-play. Your ability to forgive has a direct link on whether there is trust in this relationship or not.
So, the third cornerstone in your relationship is trust. Some of the ingredients for trust are the ability to give and receive it as well as to forgive. Without trust and the ability to forgive it is usually impossible to have a long-lasting and very meaningful relationship.
At some level we must all decide how deeply we are going to trust our mate. You have seen this. If somebody gets hurt in a relationship they push away. They decrease their vulnerability. If the trust too shallow, the bond is week, and the relationship will fail. You have probably also felt the vulnerability of trusting someone which in turn gives them the ability to hurt you. You stay in the relationship because you trust them. It is this cornerstone that most often gets broken as the relationship falters. Trust comes in many forms. It is not only that you must rely on your partner to not transfer their affection to someone else (have an affair). Trust involves such simple things as doing what you say you're going to do, telling the (sometimes painful) truth, showing up on time, and being supportive (listening) of your mate. It also means being emotionally trustworthy by not blowing up with anger, running away from conflict, and keeping your relationship as a high priority.
Are you trustworthy? Is your word any good? Are you "all in" in your relationship? Uncle Sigmund (Freud) talked about something called "original pain". He primarily referred to childhood issues, but I think we can experience it at any point in our lives. Most of us-over the age of 20 years old-have been deeply hurt by something (a loss) or someone. Physical emotional or sexual abuse, the death of a parent or someone close, a controlling parent, a parents divorce, the painful breakup of a meaningful relationship, and addiction in families are just some of the issues that contribute to original pain. The premise is that after we are hurt we make an emotional rule. We say to ourselves, "I will never let anybody get close enough to hurt me like that again." Essentially we tell ourselves that we can never trust again. We then go about building an emotional wall and make varying attempts to keep people out. If it feels like somebody is getting too close, we will push them away. If somebody gets too far away we will pull them back because we don't want them to hurt us by leaving. It's the go-away-come-closer approach.
The wall is actually healthy. Sigmund called it an ego defense. We all need some boundaries in our life. We all need to know where our emotional safety is. But do you also see that it can be very problematic in establishing deep intimacy in a relationship? If I don't trust you how will I let you in? If I don't let you in how do you and I actually have a meaningful relationship? Superficial relationships are everywhere but they don't last because the bond is missing.
The paradox of the whole thing is that the lack of trust can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't want to get hurt but I do want to have a meaningful relationship. So I start one with you and things are going along fine. Eventually, I fear you getting too close to me so I push you away-ostensibly because I don't want you to get so close that you hurt me. But, I push you so far away that you leave. I can then conclude to myself once again that I should trust nobody because I "always" get hurt…. and the cycle continues.
Another level of trust is in real-time. You may be in a relationship with someone who has hurt you. They may have cheated or lied or done something else agree just enough that it affects your ability trust them. What are you going to do? How are you going to let them back in? Are you just going to leave or are you going to have a mediocre relationship because you need to keep them at a distance?
Maybe this will help. First and foremost your partner needs to be able to acknowledge that they have hurt you. If they deny it, it is a difference of opinion, and most likely will not be resolved. Once they have acknowledged the incident, they need to be willing to earn your trust again. This is one of the hardest parts. Because in order to gain your trust again you must forgive them.
The following is an extreme example. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen that have been involved in extramarital or extra relational affairs. But the dialogue is usually the same. The person who cheated admits that they did it, but after a few days or weeks they just want the whole thing to go away. They want to stay in the relationship but they don't want to deal with the remainder of the trust issues. The person who is cheated on has great difficulty letting it go (understandably). What I ask the person who is cheated on to do is to describe specifically what the cheater can do to reestablish trust. This can be anything from allowing them access to cell phone and e-mail accounts to checking in on a day-to-day basis. The specific activities will be up to the person who was cheated on. They began to realize that time (and a good behavior) is really the only thing that will re-establish the bond. It's about a 50-50 deal. Half of the couples that I work with stay together, and half of them cannot tolerate the stress and break up.
But, given this example can you imagine what it would take to reestablish trust in this situation? We all have a tendency to look at the person who cheated and blame them for the problems in the relationship. However, more often than not, there are real trust issues for them as well. They will give "reasons" why they stepped outside of the relationship. While none of them are good enough for such a value infraction, they do need to be paid attention to if the relationship is going to be reconciled. They will bring up issues such as anger, lack of attention, too much substance abuse, lack of sex, and the loss of their best friend as the reasons for their affair. Again while these are not excuses (in my value system anyway) they do need to be addressed! A cornerstone has two visible sides both of which are equally important in the strength of a relationship.
To re-establish trust both parties need to acknowledge what they have done to contribute to each other's lack of trust. They then need to begin to specify what can be done in order to build it back.
Forgiveness is powerful. If someone does something deceitful in a relationship and are truly sorry for it, they need to make amends, make an apology, and ask for forgiveness. It is up to the person who was hurt to forgive however. If I hurt you, I can acknowledge it, say I am sorry, and genuinely ask you to forgive me. But really, that is all I can do. I can say that I'll make every effort not to do it again, and if you want to I can tell you why I did it, but the bottom line is it is still up to you to forgive me. If you carry a grudge for long enough or continue to bring it up and beat me over the head with what I've done I will have enough and I may leave. It's not that I don't deserve consequences for what I have done. But at some point forgiveness has got to be there. There are several reasons why people fail to forgive and one of the primary ones is that not doing so is a powerful tool. I can continue to hold over your head which you have done. Believe it or not this also interrupts the trust in a relationship as you are always pulling a power-play. Your ability to forgive has a direct link on whether there is trust in this relationship or not.
So, the third cornerstone in your relationship is trust. Some of the ingredients for trust are the ability to give and receive it as well as to forgive. Without trust and the ability to forgive it is usually impossible to have a long-lasting and very meaningful relationship.