Blame = Expectations: A Formula to Help You Get a Grip
I have touched on this idea in different ways in other Neighborhood Shrink Notes (see Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos: Part Two – Changing Your Thinking and Part Three – Changing the Way You Behave). It’s an important relationship concept, so I’m bringing it up again in a different context (using a specific example) for those who are more “logical” thinkers.
An angry man walks into my office and begins to complain about his nagging and uncooperative wife. He tells me that all he asks of her is that she cook dinner on Tuesday nights. (It was a tradition in his family of origin). He has been asking for this for the entire year they have been married and she has never complied. His dialogue sounds like this:
"Is that so much to ask? I work two jobs. She stays at home every day. All I want is for her to cook dinner one night a week so that we can sit down and talk about our lives. But tomorrow is Tuesday and I know what is going to happen. I'm going to get home, there will be no dinner, and we'll have another fight. We get up Wednesday morning not speaking to each other and eventually smooth it out over the rest of the week. She is such a bitch! I mean really, is that so much to ask? She really pisses me off!
What is the problem here? Clearly this marriage has more than one obstacle to work through. But I want this client to start taking a look at the “Blame = Responsibility” formula. If you think back to beginning algebra, you will remember that if you change one side of an equation, you need to do the same thing to the other side of the equation in order to keep the equal sign. This man is full of blame about how his wife makes him angry. If I defend her, he will be angry with me. If I align with him and tell him he's right, nothing will change. So here is what I might ask him to do;
“Next Tuesday afternoon I want you to leave work 20 minutes early, go by the ATM and get $30. Then I want you to stop by your favorite restaurant, order a meal to go and take it home. I would like you to walk in the house, set the table, ask your wife to join you, and eat. Then I would like you to come back next week and tell me what happened.”
He will look at me exasperated and tell me that it won't work. He will tell me that it does not solve the problem. I'll explain to him that I have a Masters of Science degree which means that I love doing experiments. I'll ask him to just try this without asking questions. He may begrudgingly do so.
When he comes back the following week I will ask him what happened. He will most likely tell me his wife was surprised, that they sat down and ate, and that they didn't fight (at least about who was cooking the meal). He changed his thinking and his behaviors and the outcome changed. Wow! They even spoke to each other on Wednesday morning.
But let's look at the formula. He kept blaming his wife for making him angry. He had been doing it for an entire year. What I asked him to do is change his expectations. (Okay, what I really did was ask him to change his thinking and his behaviors).
It was at this point I also asked him to clarify his goal. If it was (as he stated) to share a meal with his wife so that they could discuss their lives, his mission was accomplished. If his goal was to make his wife cook for him, nothing was going to change because his expectations were likely not going to be met and he and his wife would remain conflicted. After he changed his expectations -even if it was just for one night- he could no longer blame his wife for making him angry. He changed one side of the formula and the other side changed with it. Clearly there is a power struggle going on in this marriage. Who knows what the other conflicts are made of? The only way to change what is happening in any part of your life is to control yourself-not others. Imagine the change in the quality of their lives, even if only for Wednesday morning. In my experience, however, the effects go much further. This change in his thinking and behavior may even result in a change in her thinking and behavior.
Who do you blame in your life for negative feelings or bad situations? What upsets you consistently? This formula of changing your expectations (i.e., changing your thinking and your behavior) will work for you! You need to start taking a look at your expectations of others. Stop for a minute and think about where you do your finger-pointing about how others do things to you. Stop blaming others and take responsibility for what you're doing. It's time for you to change your expectations. This formula may seem like an oversimplification of complex ideas, but the best way to deal with complexity is to simplify. If you are in pain, angry, or sad, or your life is chaotic, stop blaming others. Look at your expectations of others and understand that they will not necessarily change to accommodate what you need. It takes two people to have a tug-of-war. Put down the rope!
An angry man walks into my office and begins to complain about his nagging and uncooperative wife. He tells me that all he asks of her is that she cook dinner on Tuesday nights. (It was a tradition in his family of origin). He has been asking for this for the entire year they have been married and she has never complied. His dialogue sounds like this:
"Is that so much to ask? I work two jobs. She stays at home every day. All I want is for her to cook dinner one night a week so that we can sit down and talk about our lives. But tomorrow is Tuesday and I know what is going to happen. I'm going to get home, there will be no dinner, and we'll have another fight. We get up Wednesday morning not speaking to each other and eventually smooth it out over the rest of the week. She is such a bitch! I mean really, is that so much to ask? She really pisses me off!
What is the problem here? Clearly this marriage has more than one obstacle to work through. But I want this client to start taking a look at the “Blame = Responsibility” formula. If you think back to beginning algebra, you will remember that if you change one side of an equation, you need to do the same thing to the other side of the equation in order to keep the equal sign. This man is full of blame about how his wife makes him angry. If I defend her, he will be angry with me. If I align with him and tell him he's right, nothing will change. So here is what I might ask him to do;
“Next Tuesday afternoon I want you to leave work 20 minutes early, go by the ATM and get $30. Then I want you to stop by your favorite restaurant, order a meal to go and take it home. I would like you to walk in the house, set the table, ask your wife to join you, and eat. Then I would like you to come back next week and tell me what happened.”
He will look at me exasperated and tell me that it won't work. He will tell me that it does not solve the problem. I'll explain to him that I have a Masters of Science degree which means that I love doing experiments. I'll ask him to just try this without asking questions. He may begrudgingly do so.
When he comes back the following week I will ask him what happened. He will most likely tell me his wife was surprised, that they sat down and ate, and that they didn't fight (at least about who was cooking the meal). He changed his thinking and his behaviors and the outcome changed. Wow! They even spoke to each other on Wednesday morning.
But let's look at the formula. He kept blaming his wife for making him angry. He had been doing it for an entire year. What I asked him to do is change his expectations. (Okay, what I really did was ask him to change his thinking and his behaviors).
It was at this point I also asked him to clarify his goal. If it was (as he stated) to share a meal with his wife so that they could discuss their lives, his mission was accomplished. If his goal was to make his wife cook for him, nothing was going to change because his expectations were likely not going to be met and he and his wife would remain conflicted. After he changed his expectations -even if it was just for one night- he could no longer blame his wife for making him angry. He changed one side of the formula and the other side changed with it. Clearly there is a power struggle going on in this marriage. Who knows what the other conflicts are made of? The only way to change what is happening in any part of your life is to control yourself-not others. Imagine the change in the quality of their lives, even if only for Wednesday morning. In my experience, however, the effects go much further. This change in his thinking and behavior may even result in a change in her thinking and behavior.
Who do you blame in your life for negative feelings or bad situations? What upsets you consistently? This formula of changing your expectations (i.e., changing your thinking and your behavior) will work for you! You need to start taking a look at your expectations of others. Stop for a minute and think about where you do your finger-pointing about how others do things to you. Stop blaming others and take responsibility for what you're doing. It's time for you to change your expectations. This formula may seem like an oversimplification of complex ideas, but the best way to deal with complexity is to simplify. If you are in pain, angry, or sad, or your life is chaotic, stop blaming others. Look at your expectations of others and understand that they will not necessarily change to accommodate what you need. It takes two people to have a tug-of-war. Put down the rope!
